


Can't Blame Me

by GabrielSchindler



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Ending, Blow Jobs, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Hand Jobs, Healing, High School AU, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Has Feelings, M/M, No Sex, OCD, Tension, Tutor Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), You Have Been Warned, co creators come in clutch pls, ereri, its not yeager tf, mentions of past trauma, not your typical high school au, sorry bout that one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2019-08-19 02:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 41,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16525937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabrielSchindler/pseuds/GabrielSchindler
Summary: Eren Jaeger is a wreck. A complete mess, if you think about it. Not only does he manage to fail out of his grade, but he continues causing problems at his prestigious, elite summer school program. Whatever will he do...Well, it doesn't hurt to meet a handsome stranger who, in theory, is supposed to be your tutor.Key words:  "in theory"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I attempted to make this a modern AU peppered with allusions to canonverse. Spoilers unintentional but definitely expect some (because what's a filter). Speaking of no filter, that's pretty much what this story will become.

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

  _Dear god. Why is the alarm ringing at 4:30 in the morning?_

 I crawled out of my futon and snoozed it, only for Mikasa to promptly storm into my room and scold me for doing so. When I saw her in a teeshirt and sweatpants, also known as her driving clothes, it hit me that we were to embark on a road trip that morning. 

 “For the love of god, Eren, please comb your hair and take a mint or something. I packed all your stuff already,” Mikasa sighed hopelessly. I stepped into the light of the living room where Armin was waiting for us. He was sitting on his suitcase with his phone in hand, undoubtedly having been in that position for an hour before I woke up. He was far too nervous for his own good. I brushed out my unwashed hair and stole an altoid from Armin as per Mikasa’s demands. I went through the motions of shoving my phone and wallet into my pocket and climbing into the backseat of Mikasa’s convertible as the two chatted. 

 “Hey, Eren,” called Armin. 

 “Hmm?” I slurred out groggily.

 “I spy with my little eye something grey.” At this, I perked up slightly. This was always an opportunity to poke fun at Mikasa on the road.

 “You guys, stop with that,” Mikasa objected. I smirked and answered with a false pensiveness, “Is it Mikasa’s face?” Armin bubbled with laughter.  

 “No, close though!” he snorted. 

 “Mikasa’s sense of humour?” Even Mikasa chuckled at that one. 

 “No, Eren, something you can see.”

 “It’s her freaking hair, isn’t it?” Armin exploded with cackles. 

 “Oh, very funny. Preteens these days, I swear,” Mikasa retorted.

 “We’re 17!” Armin and I exclaimed in unison. We took turns poking fun at each other through various games and random jingles until the four hour trip came to an end at Beast Hotel in Colossal City. Armin and I were to spend the summer training with the elite troops of academia. Armin, of course, was elected as an apprentice professor for the survey corps, the ones with the hardest job of dealing with people like me, and I was unanimously decreed to be the honorary dumbass. I suffered from intermittent anxiety attacks during classes when things went slightly awry. Eventually I learned to stop caring. Thus, I flunked the grade. Clearly, I needed the best of the best to “reguide my academic pathway.” I felt terrible for the workers of the survey corps but respected their courage to teach and deal with the most problematic bunch of teenagers. The job became quite dangerous when the Trost district kids started flooding in and wreaking havoc. I planned to keep my profile low and not make eye contact with any of them. 

 I came back to the hotel with a bruised eye. 

 “I couldn’t help it, that son of a bitch was disrespecting the teacher!” I hollered. 

 “No excuses! Look at you, you’re causing a scene on the first day of the program. This is literally the opposite of what should have happened, Eren. How can I go tour my colleges in peace with you acting up like this?” Mikasa fumed. I had never seen her this impatient. 

 “You’re terrible. Both of you. You'll get us kicked out,” Armin squeaked. Realizing we had caused a disturbance with our shrieking, we all retreated to our respective rooms, dreading what was to come the next day. 

 My schedule had been reorganized so that I did not need to associate with or even pass by Jean Kirschtein. I was going to miss Mr. Shadis’ class; his class seemed relatively promising until the fight broke out. That Jean Kirschtein needed some serious help. He belonged to a psych ward, not the regime program. He tried to burn a hole through Shadis’ “egg-head.” My benign nudge on his shoulder escalated to him shoving me, then there was a smack to the shoulder, then a punch to the eye. I was bitter about the fact that it was broken up before I fired back. My first block class was now led by Mr. Erwin Smith. He wasn’t as organized as Shadis, nor were his lesson plans any good, but I was generally content with the laid back environment. 

 “Oi,” cooed a voice from beside me. I snapped out of my analytic trance and met eyes with the speaker. It was a classmate of mine who almost seemed too old to be in that class. Almost. He had the silkiest jet black hair I’d ever seen and slightly pouty lips. I wished I looked half as handsome as he did. I mused, was it that I wanted to be like him or did I want to go out with him? You never know with me. He continued, “You sort of messed that whole page up. And probably the ones before it, too.” I glanced down at my paper, determined to argue with him about it. I was sure I took diligent notes. He flicked his own paper across the desk and when I compared the two, I realized I’d been taking notes on the wrong subject. "This is psychology class. Not biology," he said. Of course! Psychology! I’d forgotten that subject even existed. I explained this and the man made a “Tch” sound, or something of the sort, and shook his head.

Who on god's green earth makes noises like that?

He resumed taking sloppy, incredibly extensive notes. His handwriting was exquisite, I noted. The script wasn’t neat by any means, but the way his “f”s drew themselves into a sharp point at the top and the way his “m”s and “n”s elongated at the very last stroke to produce a tail captivated me. I kept reading his work, not for the information, but just so I could see more of his penmanship. His unique style was so appealing to me since I had only been acquainted with computer typeface and Armin’s bubbly, uniformly proportioned handwriting. 

 “You write pretty,” I blurted. He stopped writing and furrowed his brows slightly. After a second of trying to figure out what I had said, he replied, “‘Scuse me?”

 “I meant your handwriting’s nice.” He chuckled and picked his pen up again. 

 “The hell are you on?” He resumed his notes. I laughed sheepishly and ripped the pages out of my notebook and started over. I squinted at the chalkboard. I couldn’t see beyond the teacher’s head no matter how much I craned my neck and he was far ahead of where I'd left off.

Hah, wait. I hadn't left off at anything because I hadn't freaking started. My summer was already off to a tragic start. 

 Two days had passed since my schedule was switched and yet I had made no friends whatsoever. My friendliest encounter had been when the mystery scribe in my psychology class accused me of being under the influence. I stretched out my arms and fell back onto my bed. The ancient frames creaked in protest. I planned to take a quick crack-of-dawn nap before I had to leave for school but the second I’d grown cool and comfortable, I was interrupted. 

 “Eren! Are you ready?” shouted Armin from the second bedroom. I glanced at my watch. It was 7:00 in the morning, otherwise known as “too-freaking-dark-outside-to-be-screaming-o’ clock.”

 “It’s early!”

 “Well, duh it’s early. I need to print something for my apprenticeship and I just need to carve out some time for that. Wanna join?” I would have preferred to die. 

 “Yea, I’ll join.” I grumbled as I hauled my bag over my shoulder and drudged on behind Armin, who was practically skipping. He grabbed me a coffee from the hotel lounge to make up for bringing me to training so early. I couldn’t find the time to taste it as I poured it down my throat thoughtlessly.

 Armin left me stranded at the library with nothing but my textbooks to keep me entertained. I had about an hour to kill before my first block started and I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I elected upon strolling around the campsite. Perhaps I could go to class early and keep myself entertained with a brain model until some students started to file in. I detoured to the social science halls and found Commander Smith’s room. I pushed the door open expecting a dark, empty classroom, only to find none other than the scribe typing away at the Commander’s laptop. He looked completely overwhelmed. When I closed the door behind me, he jumped up from the desk, going from a position of being hunched over the computer to being alert on his feet in a millisecond. 

 “What are you doing here?” he asked evenly, despite his flustered appearance. 

 “I could ask the same to you.”

 “I’m just doing a little thing called minding my own business.”

 “Ah, well my friend’s got work to do for his apprenticeship so he dragged me along.” He hummed in approval and returned to the desk to resume typing. “Would you mind if I mind my own business in here with you?” He looked up from the screen as I crossed the room to put my bag down at the desk cluster at which we both sat.

 “Whatever you damn well please, it’s not my classroom,” he stated. “Yet.” I perked up. Whatever I was about to hear, it was a chance at learning more about the mystery scribe. 

 “What do you mean ‘yet?’”

 “Who knows, maybe Erwin’ll let me catch a break and give me an actual job here instead of this position where I’m just following his orders. Not that I mind.” I started to wonder if the scribe was the Commander’s mistress. “I’m his apprentice, in case you didn’t know. That gives me a tutor role too, which is why I sit through class with everyone.” _That makes more sense_. 

 “Oh, I had no idea! Does that make you the corporal?” I’d read a bit into the exact military rankings of the elite troops before arriving. The tutors were some of the most talented individuals in the whole troops. They were much younger than the teachers but superior to their age group, therefore they were given officer positions. 

 “Captain, technically. I don’t care, no one calls me that anyway. Just Levi’s fine.” He did not ask for my name. If I didn’t tell him, he likely would have forgotten to ask altogether. 

 “I’m Eren Jaeger.” He didn’t react. I didn’t know if I expected him to. He raised himself from his desk to fetch the papers he had printed and promptly strode out of the room before I had the time to blink. I remembered nothing from when he left me alone up to the moment I was awakened by the scribe’s, _Levi’s,_ shoe tapping at my leg. I didn’t even remember I had fallen asleep. I rubbed my eyes lethargically as if this act would have helped me to tune in better to Commander Smith’s lesson. Needless to say, that did not happen. After I’d given up hope on learning anything, I noticed the shoe tapping at my shin again. Levi seemed so at peace while dangling his leg senselessly that I didn’t even bother letting him know that he’d been hitting me. Since I’d given up the prospect of absorbing anything from the Commander, I elected upon taking in some of Levi’s features. His handwriting was exquisite as always; his face was glowing even under the unflattering fluorescent lights; and his hair fell down to cover his eyes as he took down what the commander was saying. The bell rang in the middle of his sentence, yet he pushed on. The Commander did not stop talking even when the whole class had packed up. It was only Levi taking notes. Only he was animated with his shaking of the pen and his kicking of my leg. The rest of the kids were still. 

 “Class dismissed,” concluded the commander dramatically. He added, “Don’t you forget to come early tomorrow for your screenings.” The class grumbled but I was simply perplexed. 

 “Scribe,” I called. I turned to him like a lost puppy. Levi twitched an eyebrow and before I could ask what the screenings were, he interjected, “You forgot my name already?”

 “Oh my goodness.” I pretended to be extraordinarily shocked. “Why, how could I just forget the most beautiful name in the world?” He sighed, defeated by my antics. Point one for Eren. 

 “What do you want?”

 “What did he mean by the screening? Are we watching a movie?”

 “It’s the test to determine if you’ve got what it takes to join a squad. I’m taking it to see if I can still lead one. Fingers crossed. What were you doing for the whole block, anyway, thinking about Erwin’s ass?” 

 “God, no, that’s messed up,” I chuckled. “I was sleeping then feeling _someone_ kick me incessantly for an hour.” His face flushed as he continued to gather his belongings. I could not make out what he said next. He might have muttered an apology, although it could very well have been an expletive. He rushed out. 

 One point deduction from Eren. 

 On top of making the golden specimen of psych class feel utterly humiliated, I still didn’t have any friends. That would have set my point tally into the negatives. Levi was a squad captain, so he was out of the mix in terms of possible candidates for friends. I had nowhere to go because the administration kept me on classroom arrest for the semester, which meant that I couldn’t visit any communal rooms during break hours to prevent me from running into Jean Kirschtein, who was also on classroom arrest. Why not just put one of us (him) on classroom arrest? It was the most inefficient system of discipline I’d ever come across. During my break, I’d written down my schedule ten times over in a random classroom I found just to pass the time. It went as follows:

  **Psychology** (a bearable course after I found out it existed)

**Advanced chemistry** (the bane of my existence)

**Statistics** (also the bane of my existence)

**Latin** (I’ve taken Latin all my life but this course seems to discount all that experience. None of it makes sense.)

**Physical Education AB** (the AB section learns equestrian and does military workouts. Rumor has it that the prestigious BC section does everything the AB section does on top of learning to command a regiment)

**Language and Composition** (where my speaking was torn apart by Mr. Shadis. No word you say goes unanalyzed)

**Tactical Thinking** (same as above only more humiliating)

**Break** (also known as the godforsaken classroom arrest period)

**History of warfare** (I genuinely did not understand the point of this course. The dean taught it and I was sure he showed up drunk every day)

 These classes were mostly selected by the dean and supposedly “catered to my needs.” All I really needed to do was to return to my normal public school where classes would be simple and manageable, unlike the obscure and pointless classes of the troops. Suddenly, just as I was gathering my materials for my Warfare History course, I saw a blur of black and white speed past the window. Concerned, I decided to investigate. I peeked out of the crack in the door and saw a figure running and disappearing around the corner. On the other end of the corridor was Erwin. He smiled at me as he strode towards my classroom. I returned the smile but retracted my head to begin my walk to the class. Who’d been running like that? A military police trainee? Perhaps they need to run _everywhere_ since they don’t have the luxury to dawdle. The military police sect was mostly student council members who had overloaded their schedules. This sect did not have a tutor system; only the scouts tutored to make up for the supposed intellectual dullness of the trainees. There was one more branch of the troops: the Garrison. Their trainees were the ones with the most money out of all of us. They were able to flood their schedule with art classes and, like the elite Military Police, did not have tutors. Somehow, this branch took the greatest hit in terms of mean grades. They took the easiest of classes, yet their mean grade last school year was a 58% overall. The classes might be abstract but at that point, it would have been more worthwhile if they all dropped out to become strippers. 

 This was another reason I admired the scouts— they would never have allowed their trainees to become strippers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be uploading chapters pretty much weekly from here (ideally)

 The scores from the screening were sent to the students’ emails during my psychology block. That was a mistake on Pixis’ part; if he wanted to inform the students about their placement, he could have waited until a block _wasn’t_ in session to at least respect the teachers. I shouldn’t have made assumptions; since when was this regiment remotely normal? The commander was perplexed when kids started refreshing their devices religiously at the start of his block, even more so that some started crying. Levi was calm and seemingly aloof the whole time, even while the emotional masses captivated Erwin’s attention. The commander was delivering extended motivational speeches while Levi and I, the only ones who seemed to have refrained from checking our devices, tapped on the desk absentmindedly. I had not spoken to him since he stormed out in embarrassment. I figured it would have been better if he initiated the contact. Besides, Armin told me to never upset a brooding man further unless you want to die. 

 “Tch. If they don’t stop crying I’ll lose my damn mind,” hissed Levi. A weight flew off my shoulders gradually the more he spoke. “It’s not like being in a squad means anything, why are they so obsessed? Have you checked already and you’re just hiding your reaction to be coy or did you not get the news yet?”

 “The latter for me. I’ll check now, I suppose. Have you gotten the verdict?”

 “Maybe.” I smiled helplessly at how enigmatic he was. At this moment, my desire to know my squad status was festering. I had no hopes of joining a squad, as I was sent to the troop program so they could fix my incompetence in academia. Someone like me wasn’t supposed to get accepted into those sorts of prestigious groups. 

_Dear Eren Jaeger,_

_On behalf of the Troops of Maria, we would like to congratulate you on scoring in the 97th percentile of trainees. You have been reassigned from a trainee to a cadet for Squad Levi for the rest of the summer and if you choose to continue your troop life, this position will be permanent. Have a wonderful quarter!_

_Regards,_

_Dot Pixis, Dean of the Troops_

All is good in the world.

 I beamed like a child on Christmas and turned to Levi, who had been gazing at me expectantly.

 “How?” I asked frantically. 

 “Relax, kid.”

 “Levi, this is a huge deal for me! How did I get selected? I’m here because my teachers back home were concerned I had mental retardation or something. Isn’t your squad the best one of all?”

 “Not by any means. It ain’t the worst, though. Just have some faith in yourself, Eren. You’ll be fine.” I’d never wanted to marry someone more.

 Psychology class began picking up that day; the previously systematic course took a turn into essay-writing territory. I stole a glance around the room and saw the puffy-eyed students trying to work on their essays regarding psychoactive drugs with their morality at an all-time-low. I must have been the only one in class to have been placed. I then turned my focus over to Levi. He was explaining cocaine to a student named Connie and I couldn’t help but laugh. He called it _blow_. When Connie asked what the price was, he was able to rattle them off. I could hardly contain myself from bursting into laughter.

 “What’s so funny there, Eren?” boomed the Erwin. 

 “Nothing, nothing. Sorry, commander.”

 “He must be on a drug of some sort himself. Finding humor in _nothing_? What say you, class?” Some kids perked up and cracked a chuckle. I noted that this had been the second time someone had accused me of being under the influence. Levi saw that Erwin was attempting to enliven his class and added with a deadpan stare, “Maybe this is his hysterical state. He just needs a refill on his dose. Don’t worry, Eren, just see me in the usual spot in the alley after school.” He added a conspicuous wink. At this, the class broke into uncontrollable laughter. Connie was curled over his desk, clutching his stomach as his body was racked with wheezing laughs. Although it was at my expense, their laughter seemed to have lightened up the mood of the class and for this I was grateful; the new and improved class vibe allowed for a smooth block. 

 “Say, Eren, was it?” asked Connie on our way out. 

 “Yeah, what’s up?”

 “I just wanted to know which block you have off. You made quite the impression on my friend Jean.” I tensed up immediately. “He wanted to see you again sometime, that’s what he told me. I don’t know what he wants exactly, but it’s probably nothing bad.”

 “I don’t have a block when I can see him.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. If ever your schedule changes, he’s probably disobeying his classroom arrest and chilling with me and the gang in the mess hall seventh block.” 

_Oh, that’s why we’re both on classroom arrest. Cuz only one of us has the smarts to actually follow it._

 "Got it. Thanks, Connie." I rolled my eyes the moment he turned around.

 After a relatively stress-free day of nothing remarkable but the letter from the dean, I walked into my history of warfare class assuming Dean Pixis and I would be arguing in circles as usual, however, as soon as I walked in, I was chased out, Pixis scolding me to go to the auditorium for a squad meeting. I’d never heard of this before. I was late for a meeting I didn’t even know existed. I felt betrayed. Why hadn’t Levi said anything?

 Pixis’ biting voice lingered in my brain as I retreated from the room.

 I raced towards what seemed like the auditorium, where the cadets and their squad leaders were circling and floating around on the stage. I could make out Levi’s voice among the buzz of chatter off towards the back of the room. He was telling a story to his squad— although I could not make it out clearly, I could have sworn it involved... a hit? A mitt? It must have been something serious. Maybe baseball related? I stepped closer to their cluster. 

_Oh_. Levi was telling a story about shit. 

 “Erwin and his monster dumps, I swear. Anyways, let’s get on with our first set of strategies. We can’t wait for Eren forever.” I shuffled over to the group sheepishly and filled an empty space next to Levi. 

 “Sorry,” I muttered, half expecting him to stare me down and give me a cold shoulder. Instead, he replied, “Just show up on time next week.” The ebbs and flows of his voice were like music. He was fervently laying down test strategies and where to send the troops for competitions and I was standing in a relatively egg-shaped formation of cadets, sweating profusely like a pufferfish among graceful eels. He was totally immersed in the craft and shot deadly glares over to people who assumed themselves the right to have side conversations. Hearing his voice so close to my face though, was getting me a little too excited. 

 The point system has officially gone out the window. There’s no recovering from getting hard-on during a strategy briefing, let alone for your captain. I tried to remind myself that I was angry with him for not keeping me in the loop, but that sentiment melted away like candle wax in a bonfire.

 I stayed only until it was unbearable. With each question asked, he shoved his hair back and answered earnestly. Any time he expected people to chuckle, I noticed, he would shift his weight slightly towards the center of the group’s formation but then would immediately rock back. I must have been paranoid or crazy (or both), as no stable-minded person would have been watching someone so intently as to notice minute nuances to their _weight placement_. I fled the scene of the crime before the masses noticed that my hands were shoved in my pockets and were forcing a notably ridiculous distance between my sweatpants and my thighs. I crammed myself into a bathroom stall and waited there for what felt like an eternity. He wasn’t even my type! He was too old, unsociable, abrasive, crass, a _male_ , but totally dreamy... Once my interruption kindly subsided, I went back to the auditorium only to find that the meeting had dissolved. It dissipated just as I stepped foot onto the stage, leaving only the captains and officers. Levi was chatting with Erwin, and they were joined by a fellow officer. 

 “Ah, Eren, my excellent student. Sorry to see you so lax on the first day of meetings,” commented Erwin. The words would have stung had Levi not joined in with a humorous “Shitty brat.” At least, I hoped he was joking. 

 “Ah, this is the cutie! I’m Hanji Zoë. Such a pleasure,” the unfamiliar officer cheered. I shook her hand as she continued, “I heard you scored extremely well on the placement test! How did you do it? I’m a section commander and I work with Erwin from time to time— speaking of which, where is the eyebrow man?” I glanced around and saw Erwin and Levi leaving the auditorium through a door in the wings. “Anyways, Eren, what was going through your head when you took that test?”

 “Well,” I hesitated. Suddenly, I found myself able to ramble on about my situation during the exam. It was as though a dam preventing my thoughts was breached and words and ideas flows freely. During the test, I explained, it was like a lightning bold struck me and led me to experience a sudden wave of coherence. It was stunning but also terrifying; I wasn’t used to writing so extensively and there was no logical explanation as to why my body took its own course and quintupled in power. 

 Hanji seemed to be salivating. 

 “I’m so anxious to get your profile, Eren! I made Levi go print it for me and I’ll take a look by the next meeting. All I’m hoping for is that we get to keep you for the regular school year.” I didn't even have the opportunity to tell her that I'd be leaving at the end of the summer, as she lectured about her specialties and how she came to love abnormal cognitive functions and psychopaths for what seemed like hours. I tried to be respectful by nodding intermittently and when I grew hopeful that Hanji would tire her legs out from standing so long, she sat down right on the stage and invited me to join her. 

_What in fresh hell did I do to deserve this?_

 It got dark when Hanji finished speaking. By this I mean when Hanji was forced to shut up when she was interrupted by Armin bursting into the auditorium. He had been looking for me as per Mikasa’s demands since she was worried that I’d been shanked. We thanked Hanji for her time hastily before she could rope Armin into the conversation and Armin sent me off to the hotel and returned to dean Pixis’ office. Reluctantly, I trudged out the door. On my walk back to the hotel, I passed by bustling cafes and jazz corners. This sort of scenery eased my nerves, which had been thoroughly frazzled from my sense of incompetence. I’d lost myself in a spiral of thought. One piece of shit thought led to another until I was in a whirlwind of obsessions about my horrific punctuality, then the test, then the shock, then the squad itself, and inevitably back to Levi. As soothing as the scenery was, when I snapped out of the haze, I realized I had no idea where I was. Actually, none of it was familiar to me to begin with. 

 Random jazz band playing Billie Holiday, my ass! Why did I register _that_ as normal?

 My pace quickened as I panicked a little bit more with each second. I could have sworn I heard footsteps trailing me, too. I ducked into an alley and waited for a figure to either pass or come in to strangle me. Deeper into the alley, I heard a man clearing his throat. 

_Oh, this is it. This is how I die._

 “When I said to meet me in the alley earlier I didn’t think you’d take me seriously.” Levi! He would know his way around. 

 “You wish,” I snorted. I plopped down my bag and squatted on it. “I’m just taking a breather. Had a borderline meltdown on the streets,” I replied. He snaked his fingers through his hair and chuckled. I was insulted by him laughing at me until he noted, “Me as well.”

 “Oh,” I said. It probably didn’t come out any louder than a whisper. “What happened?” He’d been hunched over with his palms resting in his knees and his ass touching the walls of the alley but at my question, he straightened up and leaned sideways on the wall to face me. 

 “You’ve warmed up to me to a point where you feel you can ask your tutor and captain the reason behind his mental breakdown?” I searched his face for a tone of challenge or threat. I found none. The only thing I sensed was confusion.

 “Yes?” He racked up a sigh which turned into a breathy laugh. 

 “It was actually pretty fucking devastating. Imagine. I’m walking down Colossal Road and in comes this band of brats just plowing along talking about Fortnite or some shit like that — no, stop, why are you laughing? That’s not even funny — and this one kid just swings his prepubescent body around because he thinks he’s being funny and eventually, one of his flailing hands landed on me. Therefore, I needed to duck in here to prevent myself from getting arrested for assaulting a minor.” 

 “So basically a kid touched you and you flipped out?” I think I tried to joke about it to match his tone. His expression, which had previously been one of boredom, turned sour. 

 “If you want to be painfully prosaic about it, sure.” Although I could sense a certain degree of murder potential in the man, I asked him for directions to the hotel anyway. I didn’t see anything wrong with what I’d said. Bitterly, he stated that if I walked southward on the street I came from, I’d reach it in ten minutes. I thanked him although it would have been wiser to simply leave him to work off his steam as soon as possible. I was officially blacklisted. I immediately began brainstorming ways to make it up to him and almost ventured into very inappropriate territory. 

_Why am I like this? A more important question, what did I even do wrong?_

 On my walk back to the hotel, I had the thought of staying with the troops until I graduated rather than having the program be a summer ordeal, just as Hanji had hoped. I was aware that I was to return home by fall, however, the glimmer of the idea stuck with me until Armin later rattled off the things he missed in Shiganshina. It was as though he read my mind. Come to think of it, I missed the basement sleepovers Mikasa, Armin, and I would have. This memory got blurred in the midst of my obsessions with my squad captain. I longed to go to that basement again. Although, after my dad, the town doctor, messed with it for his experiments, I had no idea what was down there anymore. Even though I didn’t know what the basement was like anymore, I was willing to take the chance to see if the remnants of my childhood still remained in its walls. I was anxious to see if it felt the same. Revisiting the basement, I supposed, was to be the first thing I did when I went back home. 

 There was nothing to miss about the troops but random erections and humanity’s prettiest scholar. Nothing compared to the vast unknown of my basement and idealized memories, right?

* * *

 “You’re lying!” shouted Mikasa, a wide grin of approval stretched across her cheeks. Armin delivered the news of my placement in Squad Levi casually in passing over a box of pizza. “No way no way no way! I’m so proud of you!” She attempted to hug me but I hid behind Armin dramatically before she could. 

 “She’s scaring me, mom,” I whimpered to Armin. Mikasa cackled and chased me around the poor coconut until we all doubled over in exhaustion and pure bliss. Armin mumbled out a “Congratulations, Eren. We all knew you’d make it” in the midst of a yawn. The pizza was left forgotten as we all passed out a few minutes later. 

_So that’s what happiness feels like._

 The next day, I decided against going to class early as I'd been doing as an excuse to hear Levi’s morning voice and watch him type and print his ritual packet of apprenticeship papers. As much as I loved the company in the morning, although it was silent, I admitted that I didn’t have a chance. Since there was no hope for me and him, he shouldn't take up my time or energy when I had such great friends supporting me back at home. I was practically itching to return to Shiganshina; if I did well with the troops, there was a good chance of me attending a university in two years. All that aside though, I admitted to myself that in the span of about a week, I’d developed a sort of crush on him.

_Good on you, Eren, at least you admit it._

 I couldn’t say whether or not it was simple hero worship but for the sake of my sanity, this was what I dismissed it as. I definitely did _not_ have a dream where he drove me down a deserted road and told me his life story. Or anything like that. _Certainly_ did not imagine him having a cabin in the woods and me sleeping over.

 Ha, of _course_ I wasn’t upset when Armin woke me up that morning. You’re funny. 

 Ogling and obsessing over his perfectly tailored face and incredibly iconic fashion sense would not have served me any good. I tried to oppress the feelings from time to time before I was too far gone but looking back, I was already too far gone— I was far gone the moment I popped a boner during his tactics meeting. I’ll never let myself live that down. Of course, it could have been a random boner, the kinds that people get all the time. But remembering the way his movements and his speech captivated me, I knew better than to tell myself such a stupid lie.

 Five minutes before the start of the period, I pushed through the doors of the commander’s classroom, only to be met with a fiery glare.

_Oh, shit. He’s pissed._

 “Where the fuck have you been?” seethed Levi.

 “What? The block hasn’t started!” I replied frantically.

 “You absolute donut, I know the block hasn’t started. You were expected at the meeting this morning.”

 “Since when? I never heard anything!”

 “Listen, there are changes you have to make as a cadet. You can't keep acting like a trainee anymore. You have to check your mail religiously to stay connected. How else are we supposed to get in touch with you, pigeon mail?" He pinched the space between his eyebrows as though he was immediately expecting me to say something stupid and added, "If you say yes to that I will end you.”

 “But that’s the thing, I do check it religiously. I never got any mail on meetings or tactics discussions. I only made it yesterday because Pixis told me at the very last second. I thought you were supposed to tell me these things.” He looked surprised. At least, as surprised as a brooding man can seem. 

 “Well, shit. That means someone’s fucking with my mail output.” He paused and exhaled in annoyance. At least this time, it wasn't directed at me. "I’m sorry, Eren.” He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed lightly. He then handed me his schedule and told me to note the spots in the list where there were meetings and show up to those. There was a conspiracy brewing in the troops, but I didn’t care in that moment. I was out of the loop because of outside meddling, but I was better off than ever before.

 Point system’s back! Physical contact initiated and we're back in business!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert pic of pepe screaming*

 The nebulous lights from the city that shone through my rain-tainted window illuminated Levi’s schedule on my desk. God, I hated summer rain. It was marginally better than when it starts raining ice and pain and death in the winter, but it made me dreary and depressed. I’d discarded the schedule straight onto the hotel's L-shaped wooden desk the day he gave it to me and tried to figure out what to do with it ever since. I remembered he wrote something on the sheet before handing it to me, but I never would have imagined that he would have scribbled in his telephone number at the bottom with a note that said “give me a call/message if you need anything at all. -Levi” 

  The mixed signals were killing me. One minute he’d be ready to kick my ass to mars and another, he was giving me cute little notes with his schedule. 

 As confusing as it was, who was I to complain at that point?

 I had two things to clarify with Levi. One: why did he rush out when I’d told him that he was kicking me? Two: Why the hell was he angry with me in the alley? These were the easiest enigmas I could deal with; they could have been solved with a simple question or two. After contemplating the idea of asking him directly, I finally decided to ask Armin before sending Levi any presumptuous texts. 

 “So,” Armin mused after I dumped the stories on him. “He seems to be a germaphobe of some sort. Actually I’m half convinced it’s a little more than that. If I’m right, touching him or not telling him he’s accidentally touching you might really disturb him. For now though, I’d just advise to not touch him. Which shouldn’t be a problem since he’s a superior officer and all. That’s all my sermon.”

 A germaphobe. An all-around genius and gifted captain afraid of the sniffles? That couldn’t be. At the very least, with this little clue, I could avoid him unleashing any sort of temper tantrums on me. It would be easy. I just had to... not touch him. Huh.

 That’s _so_ not going to be easy. At the very least, I wanted to be able to return the simple gesture of squeezing his arm as an apology for being such a “shitty brat,” but I couldn’t even do that. I lied down on the bed and cradled one of the ethereal hotel pillows to my chest. I noted that hotel pillows were, without a doubt, softer and squishier than the ones at home, but they always felt too cold. Gotta deal with tradeoffs everywhere, I supposed.

 Armin peeked into my room. 

 “Eren, are you still thinking about Levi?” he asked. I nodded into the pillow. “Stop it, let’s go fetch Mikasa. I heard from Pixis that the officers are going for a dinner tonight at the new restaurant. If we go you could spark up a conversation with the captain. I bet if we go pick Mikasa up she’ll pay for us, too.” I groaned and Armin prodded, “Come on, I know free dinner will get ya.” I sighed, defeated, and sprung out of bed and began readying myself to be seen in public. I paid greater attention to my appearance than usual knowing the captains and leaders would be out at dinner. A little chapstick and a glob of hair gel wouldn’t have hurt. 

 I didn’t know how to make myself look remotely handsome. Up until high school, I’d worn the same shirt of an ugly green color nearly every day. It fit me like a dress and the wide-bottomed slacks I would pair with it did nothing to help the look. To be fair, my job as a prepubescent kid was to deliver firewood to people. Looking back, I wasn’t much help; Mikasa would carry the majority of the load and whatever I had, it would have been shattered or flung out of sight by some neighborhood bullies. Back to my fashion sense, though. Only when I began paying attention to, oh, I don’t know, the whole freaking world around me did I notice that looking like a homeless kid wasn’t going to get me any chicks. Or dudes. Gotta remember that now, apparently. I’d never really liked guys before, at least not to the extent of, I repeat, _getting erections in their presence_ , but I’ve definitely found some people attractive. Besides, I’ve seen my fair share of gay movies and all that great stuff so I wasn’t totally clueless as to... how things... worked. Not that things were ever to go that route, really. Just a thing to note. 

 I hustled out with my feet barely in my shoes, my shirt still in the process of being buttoned, and my fly yet to be zipped. I was hardly keeping myself together but I felt absolutely spiffy. I felt as though I was glowing with excitement. Mikasa beamed when she saw me and the coconut and immediately after a quick greeting, she asked, “You guys want me to buy you food, don’t you?” Armin and I froze with a devilish grin on our faces. “Fine, go wait in the car.”

_Yeessss._

 I climbed into the front seat and shook my leg incessantly as Mikasa finally emerged from the hotel and drove us off. I was fully immersed in staring at my reflection by the time we arrived at the restaurant. I eventually accepted that I looked passable and tailed my friends into the establishment. Armin was catching Mikasa up on the Levi story and asked her, “What say you, is it germaphobia or an anxiety disorder of some sort?” Before Mikasa replied, the waiter stopped the conversation to seat us. I immediately began combing the room for signs of the captains. I figured it was wisest if I looked for Hanji or Erwin since they were both about a head taller than my subject in question. At last, I located the glasses and odd combover amongst the sea of people. And indeed, in the middle of them sat the younger captain who seemed to be captivating the whole table with his stories. 

I loved my friends. I really did. But if I could have spent just five seconds at that round table with the officers just to hear Levi speak, I would have died a happy man. I turned my attention to my own table when the staring grew almost too creepy. 

 “I don’t know how much more I can stand,” sighed Armin. 

 “More of what?” I interrupted. 

 “Space cadet. There’s a guy in the troops who comes by the office and uses the computer system when Pixis is off teaching a class and I honestly have no idea what he’s up to in there. I think I have to tell Shadis or Erwin or someone.”

 “Tell Levi,” I added quickly. The conspirator might have been unmasked. Well done, coconut.

 “ _You_ tell Levi,” Armin countered. 

 “Armin, dont encourage him,” Mikasa added. I was nervous and would have liked a second to gather myself before approaching him, but I wasn't going to let Mikasa have her way for even a second. I pushed away from the table and strutted over to the round table. Of course, I ended up breaking up a conversation which had been in full swing. 

 “I’m sorry,” I stuttered out. _Great start, Eren._ “I just noticed you all from over there and came by to say hi.” Levi looked like he wanted to say something, but since his mouth was full, the commander beat him to it. Erwin returned the greeting and clapped his colossal hands together and announced, “This student’s brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Levi, you don’t even know how lucky you are to have him. Everyone, he will be a crucial asset to the competitions to follow.” I beamed while the officers examined me.

 “Thank you, sir. Actually, Captain Levi, I have a lead. This is about Friday.” Levi began to expedite his chewing so that he could reply and when Erwin was about to interject with another spiel, he smacked his shoulder. When he finally swallowed, he replied, “Give me a call. That’s what my number’s there for.” My face burned scarlet. The mystery piece of paper on my desk, the supposed little secret between me and Levi, was just exposed in front of Pixis, Shadis, and commander eyebrows. I should have figured it wasn’t supposed to mean anything.

 “Yeah, got it. Goodbye, everyone.” I sheepishly waved and turned away. Suddenly, I heard Levi clearing the _bejesus_ out of his throat from behind me. It scared me a little bit, so I turned around just to make sure he wasn’t choking or anything. No one else seemed to have noticed, and he was making eye contact with me. He tried not to draw anyone's attention but mine. He looked around to make sure the rest of the officers weren’t paying attention before he turned back to me.

 “Tonight,” he mouthed. My face must have shown some degree of confusion, so he quickly flashed a telephone hand sign and mouthed “call.” He wanted me to call tonight. I thanked all that was holy silently, including Armin. I paid him a smile and a nod and he immediately returned to the conversation around him. 

I was the jolliest camper in town when I returned to my table. Mikasa and Armin has already ordered their food and happened to order me the very thing that got me nicknamed “Cheeburg Bastard.” I was a _happy_ bastard, that’s for sure.

 “Aww, you guys shouldn’t have.” I swallowed everything whole as Armin and Mikasa both defended their cases regarding Levi's germ situation. We were out of the restaurant mere minutes after my conversation with the officers. I don’t know how I managed to get any food down with the nerves of the idea of calling Levi that night.

At the hotel, feeling sluggish from the food baby, I decided to retreat into my room immediately. The schedule remained on the desktop with the 10 menacing numbers etched at its base. I found myself dialing the number and cancelling at least umpteen times. Finally, on the umpteenth plus one try, I allowed it to go through. 

 “H’lo, this is Captain Levi,” a deep and velvety voice drawled. 

 “Hey, it’s Eren.”

 “Oh, yeah. What’s going on?”

 “Not much, how’re you?” There was a pause. 

 “Wasn't really looking for small talk. I didn’t ask what you were occupied with at the moment, I asked what’s going on. As in why on earth did you want to call.”

 “Oh jeez. I’m sorry. Of course, your time is very valuable and I wouldn’t try to-”

 “Relax,” he interrupted. “I’m messing with you. I’m fine. I managed to nearly bleed out Pixis’ bank account tonight so I’m very content and about to burst. Last time Mike’s gonna dare to underestimate me, I bet.” I let out a laugh, relieved beyond measure. I didn’t even know what to do with myself when he asked, “And yourself?”

 “Oh! Well, I’m doing fine. Can’t complain. I just got home and honestly I've been so nervous about calling you since I was worried about taking up too much of your time with stupid theories like this. I really still think I’m wasting your time here and I’m so sorry-” he interrupted me once more. 

 “Eren. Stop it. Just speak.”

 “So, like I said, I might have a lead for the mail situation. My friend Armin might know the person who might be messing with it. He told me over dinner tonight about a man who’s been snooping on the computers when Pixis isn’t looking. He told me he was pretty chubby-looking and had an odd spiky haircut.”

 “Huh.” That reply was anticlimactic to say the least. “I’ll look into it.”

 “Okay, sorry again.” I held the phone to my ear and tapped my nails against the desk. There was nothing on his end, nor on mine. I worried that he would hang up on me, so I did the most natural and highly intelligent thing a person could do in that sort of situation. 

 I opened up small talk. The very thing Levi said he hadn’t been interested in. I suppose I took the liberty of initiating it anyway because of the fact that he had humored me earlier. 

_Stupid ass_. 

 “So, besides the dinner, how have you been?” I heard a chuckle on the other end. I did not know if it was of appreciation or of pity. 

 “Hanji gave me a little task to do and I’m obligated to do whatever she says for the time being. It pertains to you, so I can tell you about it in the morning meeting if it’s as boring as the other ones. Gives us something to do.” Oh. Wow. “Us.” He said “us!” Wow wow wow, Eren Jaeger, aren’t you a smooth guy. He wants to talk about you during the morning meeting. 

 I felt ecstatic. 

 “Ah, sounds good. See you then, Captain,” I replied with a smile that he couldn’t even see. 

 “See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya.” He hung up. I giggled and flew onto my bed happily. I didn’t even bother to look over my schoolwork. 

* * *

 At an hour that was far too ungodly for my liking, I was shaken out of my sleep in a panic. I looked around me. It was still dark outside, the air was unbelievably stuffy as usual, and there was no one in my room. I attempted to go back to sleep, initially assuming it had been a nightmare of some sort that rattled me, but failed. My pulse began to quicken. 

 I’d been here before. 

 My therapist back at home told me to do some grounding activities with my mind if I found myself panicking like this. She told me to plant my senses into my surroundings to stop the racing heartbeat and clammy hands. Fight or flight. That’s what I was in, but it needed to stop. I tried to notice some things around me. Some things I could see. Five of them. I saw the cold, unfeeling lights of the city. I saw the clock. The time shone crimson. 4:34. 

4:34. I was stuck at 4:34. I beat myself up for not being able to stick three more things I could see. I failed to ground myself. Now, I was lost somewhere, off the chains. My head was throbbing and my throat began to close. 

 4:34. Panic attacks at 4:34. I could have just cried right there on the spot, but I hauled myself out of bed immediately and started pacing. My mind gradually numbed itself. _Three solid things will have to wait._ I cheated and counted my two feet and my arm as the rest of my items. My therapist said those didn’t count. 

 Four things I could feel. _Shit_. Four things. I cheated again. I pinched myself. One. I kicked the drawers. Two. I bit my lip. Three. I thought about Levi and his voice until it hurt my heart. _Four. Okay. Four._

 Three things I could hear. Nothing. I heard nothing. My steps were silenced by my bare feet and the carpet. I cleared my throat and kicked the drawers again. _Two sounds will have to do._

 Two things I could smell. One thing I could taste. Both options forced me to notice how gross my mouth was at this point. Morning breath. Real attractive. 

 It was 4:36. My mind was racing at a million miles per hour. It was only 4:36.

 Two hours later, the rest of the world woke up, starting with Armin. Then, the birds. Then, the sun, and therefore, the scorching heat. By that time, I was thoroughly drained. Armin woke up in a good mood. That was great for him. By the time we made it out of the hotel and through the gates of the campsite, I couldn’t help but notice that everything began hurting. It began at my legs and head and heart, and all that festered and spread.

_Why was I like this?_

 I couldn’t even find the strength to be excited to talk to Levi. At the very least, when I saw him, my heart stopped hurting. I trembled as I moved my body to sit. It was all too much. Being lectured would have sent my anxiety spiraling again. I didn’t want to be there. 

_What happened to me? I was so happy the previous night, what’s going on?_

 “Good morning,” I whispered to Levi. He nodded and pulled out a pen. I rested my chin on the desk in front of me and let out a yawn. I felt like going back to sleep. 

 “Eren,” called Levi. I sprung up, feeling a terrible pain in the back of my head in doing so. “Hanji told me she wanted your file. Can you write out your name for me just to save me some time searching the archive? Can’t spell for my life.” My mood darkened even more at the thought of disappointing them.

 “Oh, Levi, I actually wanted to tell you something about that just so you guys don’t even waste your time—“ I was interrupted by Erwin bursting through the door with a portly, spiky-haired man. Levi immediately tensed up and seemingly entered a focused trance. Erwin yelled out, “Good morning squads! A very exciting announcement from our dean. We will be entering the titan expedition once more come the spring. We’ll need our best brains backing up the forces. Levi, we’ll need your squad in particular to lead the mission. Please keep communication running.” Levi nodded and copied this spiel into his notes.

_The hell was a titan expedition?_

 “Captain, I’ll need you in my office during seventh block,” said the portly man. Levi rocked back into his chair and stared at the man, barely showing any sign of having heard the order. The two officers at the front of the room continued laying out plans, but I couldn’t have been bothered to listen. Not when such a beautiful specimen was sitting so close to me. Not when everything hurt and the world was spinning. 

 Anxiety attacks at the crack of dawn are no fun.

 While Erwin was delineating the tasks of the squads, I occupied myself by surveying Levi once more. I stole glances at him while pretending to sleep; I would crack my eyes open ever so slightly to take in little images of him. I was afraid of getting too invested in his image and finding a way to embarrass myself, so I took to looking at his writing once more. He wasn’t lying when he said he couldn’t spell. I hadn't noticed this in his notes the first day I met him. He wrote at the top of his page, “Make sure Aaron knows about the sceduling at all times. Rimember it’s be nice to Hanji week.” I cannot begin to explain how giddy it made me feel to know that the captain had the spelling abilities of a third grader. I loved him for it.

_Whoa, there, Eren. Hold your horses._

 “Meeting adjourned,” Erwin announced. “Any questions or comments? Come see me in office hours. Complaints? Recycling bin’s just over there. Ciao!” With that, the two left. Erwin should have stayed, as his class began in approximately thirty seconds, yet he fled the scene. That left me alone with Levi, the only two sitting while the squad members were filing out. 

 “What the fuck?” Levi whispered. Just as I was about to ask what his problem was, he continued, “Erwin's supposed to stay in the room after these. Tch. At this rate, he’ll be late. What’s he leaving with Rod for? Does he expect some military police guy to fill in for him? Ugh, won’t that be just great?"

 “You sure are talkative this morning.”

 “You sure are nosy this morning. Just let an old senile man talk to himself.” _Nice try, Levi. It’d take a lot to get me to not listen to that voice._ He shook his leg until Erwin returned. His foot slipped off the ledge on which he was keeping it, and he grimaced. _Did he just... casually break his ankle?_

 “Whoa, are you okay?” He simply stared at me for a second, almost looking a bit offended and very pissed. _Wow, Jesus, never mind then._  Connie walked into the room, dissolving the tension. 

 “Captain!” he yelled happily. He then went for a high-five. Given how he regarded me, I thought Levi would answer with the same cold stare he gave me, but instead, he offered him a fist-bump. I turned green with envy. 

 Fact list as of now: Do not touch Levi. Unless he initiates some bullshit bro maneuver. Great. Gotta love being limited to fist bumping that only he initiates. Also, don’t ask if he’s alright even when he makes a sound like he’d just been impaled in the kneecap. Because that definitely makes you an asshole. 

 Connie announced that the show will begin their rehearsals for a theater production in the fall. I happened to love being involved with artsy things like that at home, so I decided to listen in. Although I couldn’t participate, I wanted to know what plays in the troops would be like. 

 “What makes you think I’d be interested in the juvenile show?”

 “It’s not juvenile! I heard that Mike's auditioning! It’s gonna be good.”

 “Oh, please.”

 “Levi, we need you. Also, can you tutor me in the whole neuron unit?”

 “You won’t bail on me this time?"

 “I swear I won’t.” 

 “Then sure, three o’clock at the library.” I was fuming. Why couldn’t _I_ just approach him like that? 

_Right, cause I’m an absolute idiot._

 I actually needed help on my work, and that’s exactly what Levi was there for. If I was to get a pass from summer school, I needed to boost my psych grade. And my advanced chemistry grade, for that matter, but I could get by with a “barely passing.” But oh, boy, is it hard to focus in Erwin’s class. I decided to see the commander during his office hours instead of asking Levi. The less I bothered him, the better.

 I had no idea what was in store for me the next period. It was the single most torturous and humiliating experiences of my life.

I crawled into my usual classroom during the seventh block, the one in which I had written my schedule over for a whole block straight, and broke down in tears. It’s amazing how badly pent-up confusion and self-doubt can wear you down in just a day. The chemistry class I sat through drained my brain like no other I’ve ever come across. I didn’t understand a word they said and it took all my strength not to throw myself out a window. I felt horrible. I kept my frustration and despair inside until I was alone. When I was able to have my breakdown, I took the liberty of throwing the formula books and chemistry papers at a wall. Then, I graduated to pens. Just when I was about to start throwing the teacher’s staplers, I heard footsteps in the hall. I set the stapler down reluctantly and sat at a desk near the wall and put my head down while the person passed. I continued sobbing as I thought to myself that I would never amount to anything at this rate. I would flunk out of the troops and I’d have to continue repeating junior year two, three, nine times over. The person never passed the room. The footsteps stopped at the doorway for a moment and they drew closer.

A hand touched my back. Call me dramatic, but I almost felt too broken to shrug it off or react in any way. I assumed it was Jean Kirschtein preparing me for another beatdown. The hand stayed on me even when I turned to look at the person it was attached to. The touch grew comforting as I realized it wasn’t coming from a place of malice. I looked at the person’s face, which was soaked in sympathy and worry, and buried my head back in my arms as I kept on crying, but trying not to. 

 “I’m not doing too well right now,” I noted, as though that wasn’t apparent. “Please leave.”

 “Eren,” murmured the voice. I couldn’t even register how I should have responded appropriately to the hand absentmindedly patting my head. It was such a detached gesture, but I felt the sentiment through it. Those hands were trying their best. “I’m not leaving you,” the voice continued as the person knelt down beside me, trying to get me to make eye contact. 

 “For the love of god, just go. I’ll clean up later, I swear. Just go away.” The person beside me huffed. My head was swimming and I didn’t realize I’d said that aloud. 

_I’m sorry for being such a prick when you’re just trying to help me._ That’s something I should have said aloud. I found myself being dragged out of the classroom, formula books and all, by the knight in shining armor, who was muttering things like “You’re okay” and “Breathe” while holding me tightly by the shoulders as he walked me out of the building. It was warm outside, the sun beating down on us as we waddled over to the troops' garden. I could imagine Erwin spending an unhealthy amount of time tending that garden. I found myself being seated on a bench surrounded by azaleas.

 My brain was dishing out an infinite number of incoherent worries per second, but somewhere in that mess, I was able to discern a thought:  _"Wow. Pretty."_

 I finally came to when the man beside me asked, “Where do you live again? Let me take you there, at least.” I thought about it for a second. How was I supposed to know? I didn’t know where to go on my own. I barely remembered the name of the hotel. He noticed my uneasiness and voiced exactly what I’d been thinking. "That’s right. The last time you tried to navigate, you got lost.” Ha. Funny. Wait, how did he know I got lost? I snapped into reality one more time and realized who had been with me this whole time. I’d been too focused on getting my breaths out and keeping my tears in that the silky voice of the scribe simply went right through me. The realization startled me and I began to panic. It was a different sort of panic than what I went through this morning or even ten minutes prior. Those were messes of confusing and conflicting thoughts of which I didn’t even know the cause. They were grey and everything in between.

This panic, the one I felt when I realized that it was Levi walking me out to the garden, and not just a faceless stranger, was nothing like that. It was white-hot and pure. It was from a place of infatuation. A place of gratitude. My eyes lit up as I took a mental picture of this moment; in that picture, Levi was stretched out across one half of the bench with one arm dangling off the back of it. _He was comfortable._ In that picture, his expression was as stoic as always, but there was worry in the creases of his brow. _He cared._  Another hand was guarding the nape of my neck.  _I didn't know what that meant. A combination of comfort and worry, I supposed._

I might as well have fallen out of amnesia. It was as though I saw him for the first time.


	4. Chapter 4

 “What the hell is this?” I demanded. I meant to sound less terrible and childish when I had said it, but it came out like a whinge. Levi tensed and retracted his hand. My neck felt cold without the touch. 

 “What’s what?”

 “I thought you didn’t like when people touched you. I was also under the impression that I was insufferable to you. So what the hell are you doing this for?” He turned his knees away from me and sighed. 

_Oh, boy, here comes the shitstorm_. 

 I waited for him to elaborate, or even explode with irritation, but he didn’t. I truly wanted to lean over and kiss him out of sheer gratitude for remaining calm through all that, and some part of me kept toying with the thought that he might have allowed me to. 

_Whoaaa, Jaeger. Stop that_. 

 Levi and I sat there for a minute. He seemed a bit on edge himself, likely because he was missing his blocks for my sake. 

 “Could you _be_ more of a whiny brat? Honestly, Eren, spare me.” He groaned. I looked at him in confusion as he gathered himself to stand. “If I found you to be insufferable, you wouldn’t be so damn uncertain about it. Any time I snap at you, just assume it’s because of logistical issues of keeping you aboard. It’s just weird for me to have a squad member who’s bound to another place and has to go back, you know?” 

 What did this mean?

 Was Levi saying he didn’t want me to leave?

 He clarified, “I like order, that’s all.” O _f course._

 With that, he motioned me up and said that we both should go home. “Today’s been weird for us both. Go and rest up.” In that moment, everything changed. I made a judgement call and messed everything up. 

 I took his wrist in my hand as I stood and pulled him into my arms. I don’t know what came over me. What devil possessed me to make me do that?

 He pulled away after a second. As he should have. It looked like he wanted to say something— he opened his mouth slightly and he searched the walls of the base, perhaps looking for a bystander by a window. He made his signature “Tch” noise and marched off. I didn’t even feel guilty. 

 I hugged Levi against his will and I didn’t feel guilty. 

 For the next two weeks of me attending the troops program, I sat alone in psychology, as Levi was blatantly cold towards me and I couldn't be brave enough to initiate conversations. I made amends with Jean somehow after taking up Connie's offer to see him, but the horseface still aggravated me. Throughout the rest of the summer, Commander Erwin allowed me to turn my homework in late after learning about my anxiety problems, thus I managed to score well in his class. I never consulted the tutors for guidance, but asked Armin or Mikasa for help instead. At the end of the program, we were all itching to move back home, where I could move into my senior year with all my friends. I’d grown most fond of Erwin, as he’d been so understanding and even helped me cheat my way out of a tactical thinking debate. Needless to say, my grades were overall passable. 

 On my final day, Levi was missing from the scene. There was a gathering of some sort for the summer schoolers. At the gathering, there were heaps of alcohol that were off-limits to us, cliques of the teachers and officers (minus the captain, of course), and bustling groups of familiar faces. Most of the cadets and trainees came to the ceremony, as their teachers were attending and, therefore, they had no classes to go to. If it were me, I would have stayed home. 

 Sometime in the middle of Rod Reiss' closing remarks, Pixis gave me a glass of water, telling me I looked flustered. I spat it right back out. Vodka. _Cheap trick, Garrison. Real cheap._  

 At the very least, everyone was laughing, despite half of them having been sprayed with alcohol. I made _some_ people happy. The ceremony died down around the time the blocks would have ended. Still, no Levi. Erwin noticed me scanning the crowds and approached me. 

 “Hey, Jaeger bomb,” he stated cooly. I doubled over with laughter and he held me to his side with one arm and bellowed, “Jaeger bomb, everybody!” People started to clap and laugh at the commander’s sudden lighthearted aura. While the noise persisted, he leaned to me and whispered, “I know you’re looking for Levi. Stand by after and meet me by the door.” This was, of course, totally masked by the cheering. 

 Smart guy, he was. Totally unpredictable, but it worked. He wasn’t enigmatic to a point where it was aggravating, that's a plus one point for commander handsome right there. 

 As the commander had instructed, I met him near the door once the crowd disbanded. 

 “My apologies, Eren. That was a bit unprofessional of me.”

 “No, it’s fine. If you don’t mind, sir, why have you brought me here?”

 “Captain Levi is in his quarters. You should say goodbye to him, don’t you think?” I babbled out my reply, totally taken aback. It almost seemed as though my feelings were totally transparent, which was humiliating. 

 “W-well, I don’t know if h-he’d be okay with s-seeing me.” Before I could embarrass myself further, Erwin interrupted, “It’s okay. Just trust me, my cadet.” Shortly after, we wandered through the halls. I had become familiar with most of the base, but I hadn’t seen it so desolate and clean. The stone interior made the corridors seem cozy and rustic. I hadn’t noticed that before. Nor did I notice the flags that hung down from the ceilings, naming all the notable victories at competitions and battles. There were several members listed under the “titan expeditions” banner. Those were led by the commander himself and featured the scouts and their squads. I couldn’t help but picture my name under Levi’s on that navy blue flag. 

 I almost lost Erwin on the account of my staring. I almost lost my guide because of a damn _flag_.

 We entered a closed-off section of the premises— the barracks. A garden and a pair of french doors separated the officers from the rest of the troops. Their barracks almost seemed like sacred ground. At the end of the hall was a room with Levi’s nameplate on it. I had yet to find out what Erwin brought me there for. My heart was in my throat, needless to say. When he inserted a key into the lock, I asked him jokingly why he had the key in his posession, to which he simply replied, “Personal connections.” This reply thoroughly shook me up. My eyebrows must have furrowed into a single line, since Erwin chuckled and clarified, “We’ve all got keys to each other’s barracks.” 

Before I knew it, the door swung open. Erwin stood to the side, allowing me uninhibited entry. 

 The room was dark, despite the fact that it was a sunny midsummer day. Levi was on a chair in the corner with his head tilted to his side. His face was in a state of complete relaxation. It was beautiful. I turned back to Erwin, and he explained, “He drank a bit too much wine last night. He always goes into these comatose states after a bottle or two.”

 “Do you expect me to wake him, commander?” 

 “Whatever you feel you have to do, Eren.” He left the door ajar so that he couldn’t see us unless he leaned over. Levi was breathing deeply enough for me to hear him, but he wasn’t snoring. He seemed tense somehow, likely because he was sleeping upright in a chair. I scanned the room for a bed and found one in the opposite corner by the hinge of the door. 

 “Levi,” I called quietly. He didn’t budge. I tapped his fingers, and he still didn’t flinch. Erwin was right; it was as though he was in a coma. I entertained the option of moving him to the bed by myself, but figured that was a job for the commander. While I was alone with the captain, I decided to simply gaze at him for the last time. 

 It wasn’t that I was going to miss him, necessarily. I supposed the memory of him helping me in my times of panic stuck with me. This memory, despite how it ended, made me want to hold him one last time like I had before. I figured this would have required some effort— the bending, the reaching over his torso and under his back, the careful weight placement. It was a bit too daunting of a task, so I kissed his cheek instead. Thankfully and as expected, he didn’t react. 

 I took no joy in the kiss. It was a simple goodbye, a minor touch to replace a hug. I didn’t derive any pleasure from it, nor did I feel like a criminal. I meant almost nothing by it, yet I was still showing my gratitude somehow. I left him behind and joined the commander. 

 “I tried to wake him, but he’s fast asleep in the chair. Maybe we should move him to the bed,” I suggested. 

 “Ah, yes. He always chooses to sleep in that damn thing. Moving him would do him wonders, however, he’ll probably wake up soon. It won’t do him any good to move him now.” I nodded and stepped back out into the light. I branded the memory of the kiss in my brain. His hair tickling my cheek when I bent down, the softness of his skin, the faint scent of tea around the room. 

 Erwin led me out of the building, this time with a more quickened pace, and we said goodbye at the gates with a firm handshake and a salute. 

_Goodbye, troops._

_Goodbye, scouts._

 With that, I was back in the hotel, packing for the road. Another couple of hours of “I spy” with Armin and Mikasa, and I was home. 

Shiganshina: where my mother and father waited for us. My life was moving forward again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos + comments are greatly appreciated! Thank you all for the support thus far


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little decoding thing for the texting portion of this chapt: the forward slash signifies a new text. that is all, hope you all have a great week

 Shiganshina High had changed a bit by the time I returned; the hallways were repainted and the administrators added a photo developing room that always reeked of chemicals when you entered it. Overall, though, the chamber-like common area, the little bursts of fights that happened like bullet shots in the halls, and the familiar faces remained unchanged.  

 I didn’t dare try to draw any comparisons between the troops and this place. I would have gone crazy missing the castle-like base and inevitably wishing for the commander and Levi to be in my school with me. After my first period class, I came to the realization that the teachers at Shiganshina were still comeplete assholes. 

 By that, I mean they were actual academic terrorists. In the midst of all the chaos, I couldn’t even find time to excavate the basement.

 Each time I climbed up the stairs to go to my next class, I would see someone I knew and, more often than not, respected. We would execute a myriad of bullshit bro maneuvers, from secret greetings to intricate handshakes. It would be a spectacle for any passersby. 

 I would usually try dodge these maneuvers casually by plastering and sliding myself against a wall.

_Good ol’ plaster and slide_. 

 One day, Reiner Braun, a pretty macho and handsome guy, sucked me into this intricate handshake system. He went in for a simple clap of the hands followed by a slide. 

_Good ol’ clap and slide_. 

 Oh my god, Reiner could be my rebound! He’s gay, ripped, and a genuinely nice jock.

_Trouble is, I’m not into him. Or any other guy in my school._

 I had questioned my sexuality before and looked to all the boys to be sure, but found no one of interest. I let the idea go, declared myself straight, and called it a day. Besides, I’d found Krista Lenz semi-attractive all throughout middle school. Levi _definitely_ paled in comparison to her. Why was I even thinking about Levi? 

_Jaeger, you’re crazy. Krista’s got nothing on the scribe…Dammit._

 I wanted to say that I was straight with an abnormal obsession with one guy. As far as Shiganshina was concerned, though, I was still hung up on Krista. 

 As much as I wanted to sort myself out as soon as possible, figuring out my sexuality wasn’t the greatest of my concerns.

 Within my first week of school, I discovered that I was placed in completely inappropriate classes. The literature class was borderline impossible and the chemistry class was an utter joke. I tried to convince myself that I could get over the one unit that was too difficult or mind-numbingly easy, but I couldn’t accept it any longer. I found myself complaining in the principal’s office more often than not, and he did absolutely nothing to help. Eventually, to my chagrin, my parents were called into the office as well. As the principal defended the education plan, I daydreamed throughout the entire meeting. 

 I watched the principal’s hands haphazardly scratching misshapen letters on his papers. The hands faded to a paled tone with far less wrinkles the more I stared at them. There were now rings decorating the middle three fingers. That was Levi’s signature. I was stuck in a meeting regarding my horridly designed schedule, and I was thinking about Levi’s hands. 

_This is ridiculous._

 Evidently, I left out the part of Levi hating my guts right until the principal called me back to earth. That’s when the memories of the captain’s disgusted face came back to me.

 “Yes, sir,” I slurred out. 

 “I can see that you’ve scored extraordinarily well on all your preliminary exams and I think it would be wise to send you off to a path for university or, if you’d like to stay on a more conventional track and advance further before entering college, we could send you back to the academy. We really don’t have an option at this school to truly cater to your skillset.”

 “The academy?”

 “The troops.” 

 “Oh.” At my half-hearted reply, the principal turned back to my parents and began pestering them about getting me out of the school. My mother spoke up first.

 “You do realize that he was sent to the program because you all failed him, don’t you? So now you want to get rid of him because he’s doing so exceptionally well that you don’t know what to do with him?”

 “Well, now, Carla, the troops are known for their rigorous training. Not to mention, their students lead the titan expeditions, which is an absolute honor,” interjected my father.   “Staying with the people he met and grew accustomed to might be good for Eren."

_These titan expeditions are coming up a lot… What the hell are those about?_

 The principal cut the whole ordeal short with the declaration that I had the two options which he gave me. He was essentially saying that I could either leave or leave. 

 “Now, let’s not be so narrow-minded, it’s three if he can stay at this school,” countered my mother. I tapped her shoulder and shook my head, a signal for her to stop. I was forced to give it some thought, and if my mother kept fighting the options, I might not have been left with any at all. 

 “Just remember Eren, only you know what’s good for you. I’ll have you know that if you’d like to return to the troops, you will have a smooth transition. I’ve even got a long list of kids from Shiganshina who are transferring within the next month. Just something to consider,” noted the principal. He added, “You can take the rest of the day off, too.”

 On the ride home, my mom and dad bickered like there was no tomorrow. My mom was driving and almost got road rage when someone cut her off. Meanwhile, in the backseat, I was leaning my head on the window, imagining what Levi was doing at that moment. It was 11:36. He was probably teaching his linguistic immersion class or whatever the hell it was. 

 Did I want to go back to the troops? If I did, I would have been separated from my parents and would move into the barracks. The thought of the barracks brought me back to the last time I saw Levi in his chair.

_The kiss._

 Within a couple of minutes, we had arrived at our driveway. By the end of the drive, I’d gathered one thing. My parents weren’t ready to send me to college, nor was that a viable option regardless of our lack of preparation. They didn’t dare mention it, but they didn’t have enough saved up and entering the college system in the middle of the year would have been disastrous. I needed to go back to the troops, whether they could accept it or not. 

 I remained locked in my room, fidgeting with Levi’s schedule. 

_That’s right, I kept it._

 I decided to call him at some point that day to let him know of my eventual return. I cast the schedule aside after about five minutes of staring at it and lied back in my chair to take in my surroundings. 

 Pot of fake flowers, 50 cent clay skull, dirty window. Home.

 Newspaper from five years ago, polaroids, black feather quill. Comfort.

_Would I ever get sick of it?_

 Staying in bed for the rest of the school year, not engaging with the world, and listening to nothing but sad music while starving my soul? Not ideal. 

 But, finding solace in the fact that no matter what, the troops would find something to do with me? Seeing Levi and joining the transfer students? Yes, _please_.

 It was 3:30 when Armin and Mikasa came back from school. 

 “Ayo!” called Mikasa. Before I got to opening my door, I heard a startled “Oh! Hi, Carla.” Then, my mom took the liberty of breaking the news. 

 “Eren must be asleep,” she whispered. I stood behind my closed door with my knees locked, listening intently. “Mikasa, honey, take a seat. You, too, Armin.” My heart broke as the tears ensued. At the words “Eren might be gone within the next month,” Mikasa and Armin both declared, “I’m going with him!”

_I wish, guys._

 When it became unbearable to stay by that door, I retreated to my desk and dialed the number on the schedule. I was surprised at the fact that I didn’t memorize it by then. I needed to hear one good thing today, that being Levi's voice, no matter what he said. I didn’t care if he said that I was a brat, or if he called me a pervert. The only thing I needed to hear was his voice. 

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

_Oh, shit. Maybe it’s not a good time._

 “Hello?” My heart stopped.

 “Hi.”

 “Brat?” 

 “Yep, that’s me,” I chuckled.

 “It’s been a minute.” His voice _killed_ me. “Any reason for calling? You just made my ass vibrate in the middle of a squad meeting.”

 “Oh, I’m sorry.” I narrowed my eyes and sat back in my chair. “You didn’t have to pick up.”

 “Then it would have kept vibrating, you imbecile.” I explained that he could have turned the phone off to stop it, to which he retorted that he was an old man who didn’t know how to do such things.

 “I’ll show you when I come back,” I noted casually. I heard silence on the other end followed by what seemed to be a door slamming. 

 “If you’re joking with me, I’m hanging up."

 “Nope, not joking. I’m coming back and even though I totally set you off back in the summer and we stopped talking, I wanted to tell you before the rest of the troops find out.”

 “You didn’t set me off, if you keep being so self-conscious and shit you really will set me off. The only reason we stopped talking was because you could only stand to be half a room’s length away from me.”

 “Well, that’s-“ Before I could go off on a tangent, someone began banging at my door, cutting my spiel short. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Levi. I have to go real quick. We can talk more in depth about things later if you want.”

 “If _I_ want? You called, cadet.” He corrected himself, “Ah, shit. Not cadet anymore.”

 “Well, you still have a say, and I really don’t want to be overbearing. Besides, you’re right. I called first, so it’s your turn now. So, if _you_ want, text me later. Captain.” Some devil inside me added a singsong tune to the word “captain.” I could practically feel him rolling his eyes.

 “Shitty brat.”

 “I’ll see you.” 

 I cracked my door open, only to find Armin and Mikasa waiting outside. They informed me that I would be leaving on the following Friday and that they would be joining me, along with most of our friends.

 “How the hell do you guys know these things before I do?”

 “We weren’t busy talking to Krista on the phone,” Armin retorted.

 “Oh, so _that’s_ who that was,” mused Mikasa. 

 "Hey, guys, anyway, you shouldn't follow me out there," I declared. "This is a step I need to take to help myself, and I don't want to rope you into it. It can get pretty risky for regular overachievers like you to deviate from the norm."

 "Telling me to follow the norm isn't enough to convince me to leave you. Sorry," chuckled Mikasa. Armin shrugged in agreement. We all huddled in for a group hug, then, realizing that was much too sappy for us, doubled back with a collective "Ew, gross!"

 After the two left and my parents and I sat down to hash out the logistical, I checked my phone. 

_Levi: when are you coming back?_

 I attempted to ignore the text for a while and play hard to get. I even picked up a  _book_ to get my mind off of it. Eventually, I couldn't resist. Just before I went to sleep, I replied.

   _Me: Within the next month! :P_

 Two minutes later--

_Levi: what the fuck / is that_

_Me: :P tongue_

_Levi: they don't call you crackpipe jaeger for nothin_

_Me: Baha / what would you do if I said I'm coming back tomorrow?_

_Levi: die of joy._

_Me: Pff don't lie / you'd probably dropkick me within two seconds of me getting there_

 Levi disappeared for a while, giving me time to let off some steam. I'll not elaborate on what that entails for the time being. By the time I was through with  _all that_ , I had three new messages.

   _Levi: really though, i would just collapse on the floor of a heart attack of sheer elation / eren i hope you know this is sarcasm / with your intellect though i doubt you can tell the difference_

_Me: You're such a charmer darling!! / (That was sarcasm, I hope you can tell)_

_Levi: youre lucky i'm tired enough to let that go, bitch_

_Me: Go to sleep!!!_

_Levi: firstly i cant and secondly stop with the exclamation points_

_Me: !!!!!!!!_

_Levi: fuck off_

I grinned, taking solace in the fact that our dynamic had been restored somehow. I asked him why he couldn't sleep, and the reply didn't come until I was sound asleep.

   _Levi (3:45am): got a lot on my mind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading + supporting :))


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's ridiculously short considering how long it look me to upload D: sorry about that, I'll make it up soon

 Zero fights. That was the condition for the transfer. Since I had caused problems with Kirschtein the horse spawn, Pixis declared that if they were to accept me back, I would have to have a clean slate at Shiganshina. It made sense, but that meant I was on thin ice. The condition chained me down as a precaution, and this was just because of one skirmish. 

 Zero dropkicking. 

 Zero slamming friends into lockers. 

 Zero anything that could even vaguely resemble an altercation. 

 They might as well have shackled me to the front door. That would have been easier than keeping my hands to myself every time I got shoved. _That wasn’t out of malice, Pixis, that’s how kids say hi._ The closer you can get your opponent to getting bruised whilst greeting them, the better. 

 For one month straight, I stayed out of trouble. Pixis cleared me for the transfer for mid-November. I’d stayed out of touch with Levi throughout that period, and I deemed it appropriate to text him once I got the official invitation back. 

  _Me: I’m coming on the twelfth!_

 I didn’t expect Levi to reply right away. I waited the whole day, then the whole week. _He must be a busy guy, right?_ I waited for the weekend, then the following Monday. Then, I grew worried. 

 Levi hadn’t replied in a week. Soon, that became a month, and that became November 11th. One day before I was to return. 

 Did he not see my message? Should I text again? Is everything alright? 

 All these questions seemed irrational to Armin. He had a perfect response to all my worries, but I wasn’t so quick to trust his word. My anxiety nudged the threshold of explosion with each second I had to wait for a reply. 

 “Eren, you’ll be late. Get up,” whispered Mikasa. I woke up. _I’d been asleep? When did that happen?_ I must have passed out while lamenting over the text. My phone was still glowing beside me. I snatched it, grabbed my pre-packed books and clothes, and darted out to the garage. Armin, Mikasa, and I were to be crammed into the car with my mother driving.

_No more calling each other fuckwads, now we had to be civil._

 After a smothering car ride, we all flooded out of the car. I stretched every muscle I could and looked up at the base. 

 The science tower was expelling smoke from its chimneys, likely from Erwin’s experiments (which were probably highly toxic). The barracks, too, had smoke coming out of its stacks. That smoke wasn’t quite reminiscent of chemicals exploding and fizzing, however. This smoke was distant and almost invisible if one didn’t know to look for it. 

 In that smoke, I saw Levi. I saw him prodding at a roaring flame in his fireplace. I saw him feeding it with newspapers. I saw him curling up on his chair and inviting me to him...

 “Eren!” snapped Mikasa. 

 “What?” I realized that she’d been calling my attention to my mother, who’d been tapping me. My mother ordered, “Visit when you have breaks and don’t forget to call.”

 “Mom, please,” I sighed. She came in to hug all of us. 

_For the love of god, mom_. 

 We all went our separate ways to our barracks. Armin and Mikasa were placed the closest to each other and I was a full troop’s length away from them. On the bright side, I was slightly closer to the officers’ barracks. Not that I would find a need to go there or anything, just a thing to note. 

* * *

 I found out why my barrack was so close to the officers. I was of a “delinquent status.”

_Pixis was totally on my ass about that fight, damn._

 Levi’s barrack gave me such a glorified image of what all the barracks should be. His was stocked with lots of room to store books and furniture, and he even had a piano. 

 My sad, sad room could never measure up. It had a cold brick wall and had room for a creaky bed, tiny desk, and a couple of drawers. Bathrooms were separate from the barracks. They were _shared_. 

 Just as I began unpacking (and grumbling. Mostly grumbling), I heard a knock on my door. 

 Who the hell could be visiting already?

 When I opened the door, I was met with a face which I was ecstatic to see. 

 “Commander!” I extended my hand and shook his hand firmly. 

_Solid, Eren. Very “adult” of you._

 Erwin let out a hearty laugh and leaned against the doorframe. 

 “Delinquent, huh? What did you do this time?”

 “It’s probably from my fight in the summer, sir.”

 “Jaeger, I had no idea you got into a fight. I was just messing with you. You’re only of delinquent status because you’re a middle-of-semester transfer. That just means you’ll get priority with the tutors.”

_Oh. That’s awkward, then._

 “It was really just a skirmish.” He nodded. 

 “Of course.” It seemed as though he was going to leave, but instead, he invited me out to a meeting with the officers. 

_Special treatment much?_

 I said I would be there. With that, he left. 

 I unpacked for another hour, slowed down by texts and pictures from Armin and Mikasa. Then, I began getting ready as though I was preparing for a show. 

 Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t _nervous_ about seeing the officers. Of course not. I definitely did not slap on some extra deodorant just in case. Did I have a mental plan of how to secure a spot next to Levi? Pshh, please. 

 In the auditorium, the older officers were organizing themselves by expertise. The Garrisons and Military Police were separating themselves from the scouts, leaving a mesh of pink and green on one end of the auditorium with a cluster of navy on the other. I integrated myself into the navy-colored bunch, getting jostled in the process. I was pulled to my right by a strong grip and found myself enveloped. When I pulled away, I saw Rod Reiss. He pulled me closer again to his chest and I felt a sharp, piercing pain in my shoulder. A needle?

 Then followed yelling. Rod calling for help.

 Muffled yelling from everywhere. Levi and Erwin running towards us, me sinking.

 Levi grabbing at me. Rod refusing to let go.

 Sinking. Drowning. Colors merging. Garrison officers surrounding me. Rod spitting excuses.

 “He was passing out and I caught him.” My head shaking. My words forming bubbles.

 Rod Reiss: “I should take him to my office, I’m certified to help." My protests flowing out, but not reaching anyone.

 Black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least there was a cliffhanger I guess??


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna flag this for noncon but here's a disclaimer that there are indeed mentions of it.  
> Oh hey, it's been (basically) a day but here ya go-- another chapter to make up for the mess that was the last chapter... also I'm so sorry eren ;-;  
> Happy Christmas to those who are celebrating! this chapt can be my gift to you

 Breathe. Breathe. Beep. Beep. Beep.  

 Alarm? No. Heart monitor. What was I doing?

 Beep. Beep. Beep.

 “Eren’s awake.” Erwin’s voice. 

 “Move it, eyebrows.” Levi’s voice. 

 “Thank the titans!” Hanji’s voice.

 Levi again: “Hanji, stop fucking thanking the titans before the military police comes after you. That’d be our luck.” Hanji’s laughter.

 Everything hurt, hurt so bad. 

 “Everyone, could I do my job in peace?” Levi. Erwin and Hanji refused, saying they both had responsibilities to uphold with me. Levi sighed and pressed his hand onto my forehead. He jolted back and wiped his hand on his pants.

 “Ah!” he exclaimed. “He’s burning hot.” Hanji perked up. 

 “No, no, no, we can’t lose him to a fever now. Erwin, grab the thermometer.” The three were shuffling around, making me panic. Was I going to die? How long has it been since Rod injected me?

 48 degrees Celsius. Technically impossible for a human. 

 “What the fuck?” muttered Levi.

 “Eren,” called Hanji. “Do you feel okay?” I shrugged. She elaborated, “Do you feel like death at all?”

_Well, that escalated quickly_.

 “No, I’m okay. Where am I, may I ask?”

 “Infirmary. Rod Reiss drugged you, but the higher ups are giving us shit for it because they don’t believe us. We’re working to bring the crook into court. It took about two days to get you back into our custody,” Levi explained. He was sterilizing the thermometer and bringing bags out of the fridge. 

 “Wait, what exactly happened?” I was still perplexed. I remembered Rod Reiss drugging me, but I didn’t understand for what purpose. 

 “It’s your story to tell,” Levi offered to Erwin. Erwin shook his head and flipped the responsibility back to Levi. Hanji tried to intervene and explain, but the two other officers shut her up immediately. Levi took a deep breath, clearly uncomfortable. He ushered the two out and sat down beside me in a wicker chair. He looked distressed. As distressed as someone whose expressions raged from "pissy" to "pissier" could look, anyway. He pressed his palm against my forehead again. 

 “Better. Marginally,” he noted. “So, Eren, are you alright to hear the story? I’m thinking you might need some time first.” Whatever he thought was best, I replied. He grabbed one of the bags he took from the fridge and searched through them. He was talking to himself as he looked for something to give me.

 “There’s iced black coffee, no. Hanji’s sweet tea. God, no. Jesus, is there anything without caffeine? Ah, apple cider. Damn, it’s the shitty kind.” I said I’d be fine with shitty cider, to which he said he’d warm it for me. 

_Marry me already._

 He stood by the stove, stirring at the cider and checking on a separate pot of food. It was rice, he explained when he noticed me staring. 

 “Hanji put it on for me. She thinks I’m anorexic,” he snorted. 

 “You aren’t, though. Right?”

 “No, no. Just stressed. Don’t mind it.” He turned the gas light off and poured the cider into two mugs. He set the drinks down, and I took a sip. I saw him putting spices into the drink, and I knew I would like whatever Levi gave me simply because it came from him, but never did I imagine that he would turn a Trost brand cider into such a masterpiece.

 “Levi, could you tell me what happened? It can’t be that bad.” Levi flashed me a look of warning from above his cup, and because of the way he held it, from above his hand as well. It seemed as though he was trying to warm his whole hand by holding the mug by the rim. Actually, I had no idea why he did that. He set the cup down a bit too loudly for my liking and gripped his thigh. I remembered the time he did this when we were in class. He seemed offended when I asked what was wrong, so I simply stared at him. 

 “Bad leg. That’s all. Don’t stare, didn’t your mother teach you better than that?” I averted my gaze.

 “S-sorry.” Levi rolled his eyes, but touched by shoulder reassuringly. 

 “Goddamn, you’re like a furnace.” I held out my hand. He was reluctant to move at first, but he placed his hand palm-up into mine. 

 “Your hands are icy,” I commented, squeezing his fingers to warm them. 

 “I’d borrow you as a space heater for my barrack if I could.” 

 Haha, funny.

 Wait. _What?_ What did he just say?

 Knock knock knock. 

 “You done yet, Levi?” hollered Hanji. 

 “No, fuck off,” he called back. He turned back to me and nodded. He seemed more tired than usual. His deep set eyes had grown black around the inner corners.

 “Let’s just get this over with,” he said, extracting his hand. “Rod Reiss is a criminal, and there are three victims. You, his daughter Historia, and myself.” 

_Huh. Him, too? How’s that possible?_

 I almost got lost in my own thought and nearly tuned him out as he was explaining what had happened to me. 

 In a sense, I wish I had lost my focus.

 Levi gave me the account of Rod Reiss with unnerving objectivity. He spoke of the drugging as though it did not bother him. He recounted the fact that Rod Reiss had kept me as an unconscious sex slave as though it didn’t make him tear up. 

 He told me Reiss’s abuse carried on for two days and by that time, I’d completely overheated and slipped into a comatose state. Levi told me I’d been out for a month and change. It was Christmas in a week and everyone had mostly gone home. 

 “Lot to take in, I know.”

 “I guess… At the very least, it’s better that I was unconscious for it,” I offered. He nodded, a dark cloud forming above him. Then, I remembered that he’d been a victim too. He stepped out as I gathered myself to apologize. 

 “I’m not angry, Jaeger. I’m just getting Eyebrows to talk more about that. If I talk candidly about it, I’m afraid it’s gonna be a bit…” He paused. “Too soon.” The two swapped places. Erwin entered the room, and suddenly, I felt naked.

 “Do you resent me?” He asked.

 “No."

 “I called you to the meeting.”

 “Doesn’t matter. It’s not your fault.” Erwin twitched an eyebrow and sat down. 

 “You want to know about Levi and Rod’s ordeal?” I shrugged, and he recounted the story anyway. 

 Levi and Rod were strangers until Levi was dragged into the troops by the scouts. Rod was of royal descent, so all charges of the countless accounts of sexual assaults could not be proven. Levi would go to Erwin after the assaults out of habit.

 “Psychologically speaking, I guess I just gave him a steady source of comfort afterwards, but he’d never admit that he was relying on the ritual.” 

 My eyes grew cloudier by the second. I was, at this point, totally blind from my tears. Erwin patted my arm and exited the room. I swiped at my eyes, embarrassed beyond measure. 

 Erwin and Levi were in a relationship, of course they were.

 My idol Levi was hurting so bad, but I didn’t even notice. I was happy at least the commander could help him. 

 The officers came in and out of the room intermittently. I was mostly left on my own with Hanji to guide my therapy. I was able to walk after just under a day of waking up, still sore from muscle inactivity and from being essentially ripped apart.

We learned quickly that it would be appropriate for my therapy sessions to be cut short on the account of my lack of memory surrounding the event. 

Hanji was fascinated still about my spurts of extreme intelligence, and elected upon pestering me about this. I frequently asked about how Levi and Erwin were doing, and she seemed perplexed each time. 

 “Didn’t you see them earlier today?” she’d reply. One day, I clarified, “I meant as a couple, I suppose. I think it’s forward to ask them directly.” Hanji blanked for a minute and erupted with the most ear-splitting, howling laughter imaginable.

 My eardrums were totally shot, needless to say.

 “Goodness sakes alive, you are so, very misinformed about that. Oh, Erwin’ll have a hoot when he hears this!” I repeated the word “wait” a dozen times over. 

_Kill me now._

 “They’re not dating, sweetheart. You’ve still got a shot if you play your cards right.” With that, she winked at me and scampered out, leaving me a blubbering mess. 

_Huh. That’s awkward._

* * *

 Christmas Eve in the troops.

 My mother threatening to sue. 

 Everyone upset that I was still there.

 Rod Reiss’s court case. Krista and Levi talking at every. single. meal. 

 I graduated back into my barrack after Pixis was satisfied with my recovery. I met with Levi on a daily basis as a form of group support. Both of us found the idea to be bullshit, so we treated it like the joke that it was. The sentiment was appreciated, however, placing us in a room together with a checklist of “how do I feel today?” surveys was not the way to go.

 The Christmas Eve session took place in his barrack, as the infirmary was shut down and the officers were out drinking. I closed the door behind me as I stepped into his barrack. It was brighter than I would have imagined on the account of an oil lamp and several candles illuminating the room. He pulled two chairs from his desk and sat me down with a mug of what seemed to be the same cider I drank my first day of waking up. 

 “It’ll be a lot better this time.” I took a sip as he filled out the survey sheet for the meeting as he usually did. The cider was pleasantly spicy, and still hot. 

 “Ha, you can take me up on the space heater deal now,” I joked. Levi hoisted himself from his chair with fervor, and for a split second, I thought he was angry. He took his mug and placed it on the nightstand. He motioned me over.

 “Let’s do it,” he challenged. He sat at the edge of the bed. 

_Was he serious?_

 He kicked off his boots and undid the customary straps and belts that, he explained, were there “just in case.” He was left with just a grey shirt, white jeans, and a loosened cravat around his neck. He shuffled with the covers a bit and created a pocket for me to climb into. I slid my own uniform boots off, and, inevitably with it, my socks. Immediately, I was shocked at how cold it was. No wonder Levi was so small and grouchy; his bed was like an igloo. As he undid his cravat, I could hear a soft and smooth “whish” sound followed by a quiet smack of the fabric hitting the wood of the nightstand as he threw it down. He unbuttoned his shirt with his back turned towards me and slipped it off, quickly replacing it with a navy blue tee shirt. I felt like a dog, totally encapsulated in his motions. The tee shirt outlined his figure, and the same went for his jeans. Before I could process, Levi had crept into the bed with me. He was facing me, and by the time I'd grown comfortable, seemingly dozing off already. I blew the candles beside the bed out, leaving only the lamp on.

 “Levi?” I called. He grunted and stirred awake. “Am I allowed to stay here?” He whispered a soft “Mm-hmm.” I rephrased my question. 

 “Am I allowed to stay next to you here?” Same reply. I tried once again. “Am I allowed, on Christmas Eve, to intrude on your private—“ he interrupted me by enveloping me in an embrace. My face burned as I felt his hips on my side. A boner threatened to rear its ugly head at any moment, but I simply held him back and tried to ignore the fact that I was in bed, practically _cuddling_ , with my commanding officer and designated tutor when we were supposed to be talking about our post-traumatic feelings. Seemingly and luckily, there were none for us at that point. 

 Levi was breathing softly and deeply in my arms, still an ice cube of a man. I shook him lightly, and he muttered in annoyance, “Don’t wake me. I’m perfectly fine with you being here, but you gotta relax. Leave if you want to.”

 “Okay, sorry.” I settled deeper into the embrace and pulled the covers around us tighter. 

 “Shut the fuck up,” whispered Levi. I smiled.

  Furnace duty: check.

_A very Merry Christmas with the troops._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to chop this chapter in half because of how colossal it was, so stick around for a part two coming out sometime tomorrow :))  
> ~you guys~ I've been on the fence about this story for a while but oH bOi it's looking like i'll actually pick up some speed with the development. So buckle up cuz we're in for a wild ride.  
> aLsO if you have any suggestions or corrections please do hit up my inbox/comment

  Morning. Birds. Sun. Christmas.

 Levi. Freezing cold. He was awake. 

 He didn’t know he was awake, though. His eyes were still closed, but there was no way he was asleep and _that_ hard.

 Right?

 I tried not to mind it and slithered out of his arms to get myself ready to be seen by civil humans. When I just wake up, I look like some sort of hybrid between a swamp creature and an orc.  _Not attractive._ I had enough cowlicks to scientifically qualify my hair as a rat’s nest. If Levi had seen me, he would have decked me out of his room. 

 I supposed I shouldn’t have spent so much attention to my appearance; my health was meant to be my utmost concern (which was a decree from Hanji). There I was, grooming my hair and dumping several gowpens full of water on my face when I should have been minding my physical and mental wellbeing. When I flipped my head up from the baptism session, I was met with a scowling, pale, beautiful face. Its eyebrows were furrowed and the eyes were narrowed. 

“Hey, Levi,” I mumbled. I was hunched over the sink, my face dripping with hot water. I could have sworn I saw the water steaming off my skin. 

“Are you in heat or something, cadet?” He slid over to the sink and hip bumped me to the side. I placed my foot on the toilet and leaned on it. The act sent pain up my spine. 

 Damn that bastard Rod.

 I put my foot down and simply stood there. All the while, Levi was washing his face fervently, inadvertently flicking water droplets my way. I didn’t want to intrude on such a private routine, so I returned to the bedroom and flopped onto the bed. I stared at the ceiling.

 Flat white. No ridges or bumps. 

_Smack_.

 “What the hell was that?” I cried, startled. 

 “What was _what_?” I shuffled back to the bathroom, only to find Levi gearing up in his straps over sweatpants. I deduced that the straps must have smacked against the counter.

 “You’re leaving?” Levi halted his enrobing. He seemed perplexed, but I wasn’t familiar enough with his odd grunts and facial expressions to be sure it wasn’t sarcastic. He began stripping the belts off, muttering, “Fucking forgot we have the day off.” I chuckled and began to slink back to the bed, only to be slapped in the back of my head by a flying cravat. I caught it as it fell, and launched it back at Levi. He stopped it with one finger, and promptly spun it into a cannonball. 

 “Oh, shit!” I exclaimed, preparing myself for the assault. He marched over to my curled body and picked me up like I was a pumpkin. He then hurled me at the bed, sending me bouncing and giggling. He also threw himself down, relinquishing the cravat-ball. I seized the opportunity and took it from him. He stayed lying down, now in an even fresher tee shirt than the one from the previous night and grey sweatpants. I covered his eyes with the cravat and asked, “How long am I allowed in here?”

 “Stay as long as you’d like. I don't mind having company as long as you don’t wreak havoc or anything. Which I’m sure you will. I’m gonna go turn our papers in to Pixis.” I nodded.

_As long as I’d like…_

 When Levi left, I elected upon laying on his bed a bit. The year had been crazy, and I was still overheating. Maybe I _was_ in heat. I buried my face in his pillows, taking in the smell of something vaguely reminiscent of cucumber and melon.

_No way, does the captain actually use cucumber melon soap?_

 I elected against scavenging his shower, but in staying on the bed, my mind took me back to how he looked the previous night. He clung to me simply for warmth, but, of course, my mind didn’t let me off so easy. I was far too excited, considering the fact that I’d simply been a heater for the captain. That was all. No more, no less. Yet I found myself far too excited.

 Krista had transferred to the troops. I’m sure Levi was fond of her. Who knows, maybe she’d been in this room before. I shuddered. The thought disturbed me, but it wasn’t enough to calm me down. I was dealing with a raging erection. Again. Another Levi-induced boner and I would have imploded. 

 One can only take so many nights as just a furnace.

 I retreated to the bathroom. My head was cloudy. 

 I locked the door. Ran a shower. Levi would have been pissed, but I couldn’t handle myself. Stripped my clothes off. Hopped in.

 All I had to do was remember Levi’s hips pressed against mine that morning, how rock hard he was. He might have been asleep and couldn’t even control himself, but the image branded itself in my brain and drove me crazy.

_Why was I like this?_

 My eyelids fluttered and my hips rocked as I undid myself. I felt terrible for defiling his shower, but I supposed it was a fine tradeoff. Admitting to having used his shower would have been marginally better than having him discover me with a boner powerful enough to be mistaken for a water bottle. 

 Door click. Levi was back. Just as I was riding the last waves, too. He knocked on the door as I was recovering from the intense release. 

 I was in it way too deep.

 “Oi!” he called. I stopped the water.

 “Yeah, sorry.” I tied a towel around my waist, immediately beginning to criticize my frame. I had hints of muscles, but I wasn’t quite as ripped as I would have liked. I longed for the bulging, defined muscles that Levi had, but then again, I would have preferred to leave bruises on his—

 “Cadet!” Levi interrupted my thoughts, thankfully. I dressed myself haphazardly and stumbled out. 

 “I’m sorry.” He sighed with what seemed to be relief. 

 “I thought you were hurt. Or something.” 

 “Oh, no, quite the opposite, actually.” 

_Why in fresh hell would I say that?_

 He narrowed his eyes and retreated to his desk. Just as I moved to grab a towel for my hair, he swiveled around and casually stated, “Make sure it didn’t get on the walls.”

 “Come again, sir?” 

 “You heard me.” He swiveled back. I started to protest, deny, and swear that nothing happened, at which point Levi got up and strode towards me. He sent me a wink as he walked past me to turn the water on.

_Fuck_.

 I needed to stop. That wink was definitely suggestive of something. 

 “Captain,” I called after about five minutes. He didn’t respond. I called again, to which he let out a strained “What… do you want?” I didn’t reply. I knew what was going on in there— I wasn’t totally blind. It was difficult to imagine Levi coming apart in there just as I had just five minutes prior, but the moment I dared to, I nearly fell back into a state of stupor. 

_No, no, no. Let’s calm down._

 I didn’t know at what point I ended up with a book in my hands. “Picture of Dorian Grey.” That’s how bored I was. I started getting restless and began wandering. Levi had been in there a while. 

 I felt my forehead. Still hot. Before getting drugged at the meeting, I was thoroughly obsessed with Levi. After he’d been there to make sure I was alright, my attachment to him grew unbearable. I’d stuck to him even when we fell out of touch as though I found something in him that was comforting enough to cling onto.

 He emerged clad in a new ensemble of a hoodie and yet another pair of sweatpants. That was the fourth time I’d seen him change. He flopped onto the bed. I joined him absentmindedly, only realizing how disgusted he might’ve been if I’d dirtied his new clothes and his sheets. Against all odds, the universe granted me the greatest gift possible. He rolled over and threw an arm over me.

 “Are you…” I paused. _Do I ask this, or do I not?_ “…drunk?” He pulled away, now mere centimeters from my face.

 “It’s nine in the morning.” I shrugged.

 “I don’t know, maybe you like day drinking.”

 “I’m not drunk, why?”

 “Because you seem to have mistaken me for the commander.” He looked perplexed again. I motioned to our bodies, and he sat upright.

 “Why is this something you think I’m doing with the commander?” I lied there with my mouth open like a trout. I supposed I still did not believe Hanji when she said Levi and Erwin had nothing going on. The thought of the two of them bothered me more than the one with Levi and Krista. That was likely because I found the idea of the captain and commander more plausible. 

 I dared to elaborate on my sudden accusation.

 “Hanji told me there was nothing going on, but I’m sure you’re attached to him after he’s helped you with Rod for so long. Not that it’s really my business.” He rolled his eyes and stood up.

 “Come with me. They'll let you into the mess hall. At least let me eat before I answer your shitty questions.” I trailed behind him, just then realizing how hungry I’d been. 

 The mess hall was packed to the brim with military police students, who seemed to be swallowing their food whole. Such busybodies. They were in and out in a matter of minutes, whereas the Garrison kids were either absent or taking their sweet time socializing. The scouts trainee section of the mess hall was completely empty. Everyone had gone home for the holidays. Levi glimpsed at the empty tables and instructed me to meet him there. With that, he disappeared into the crowd by the kitchen. I avoided getting pummeled by the larger and stronger officers by staying out of the crowd, and by the time they trickled back to either their respective tables or their barracks, the food had mostly been scavenged. I could grab only an apple and a small smoothie bowl. When Levi saw me, he snorted.

 “Of all the things to get,” he teased. 

 “There was nothing left!" 

 “Hanji must be supervising in the kitchen today. Here.” Levi offered his plate of eggs and set down half a bagel. I began to tell him that I couldn't steal his food, and he immediately barked at me, in the most amicable way possible, to shut up and eat. We each took giant bites of our joint breakfast as I sporadically brought up the topic of the commander. He told me about how they met, then how they grew close. My throat closed just as I was swallowing a mouthful of bagel when he told me that he and Erwin had a questionable relationship. 

 “Goddamn, calm down,” Levi exclaimed as he reached over to pat my shoulder. “Shit, Jaeger, keep your lung _inside_ your body. You didn’t let me finish.” I relaxed a bit and motioned for him to keep talking through my intermittent aheming. “Rod was one nasty son of a bitch. He had enough power to get whatever he wanted, and, for some reason, he grew fond of me when I was roped in here. I don’t know if Erwin and Mike alerted Rod about my arrival or if Rod got the tip first and told them to fetch me, but as soon as I got here, Rod asked me to join him in his office.” I instinctively reached for his arm to comfort him, and I pulled back as soon as I realized who I was dealing with. He continued, “You’d think that I would have been able to fight my way out, but he was just so damn heavy. I reported to Erwin, since he was the only one I knew. Nothing happened. We tried, but the military police didn’t listen. The only thing Erwin could really help with was immediate recovery. That’s why Erwin and I aren’t really friends. Or just coworkers. You get what I’m saying?” I nodded, but it didn’t seem to convince him. “I’m not attracted to him, cadet. Don’t get it twisted.” I reached for the bagel again and bit off a chunk.

 “Did he do what you’ve been doing to me?” I was referring to the constant contact comfort and the bursts of affection. That was all his scheme of getting me to detach from the trauma and relax, no doubt.

 “No. That’s different.” With that, he gathered the empty plates and returned them to the disposal site. He strode up the stairs, and I followed him like a lost puppy. On our way to the barracks, he suddenly took a sharp left to the infirmary. I was flustered enough to have been startled at his direction change, but followed him nonetheless. I had nowhere to go; I didn’t want to return to my barrack yet, which was a mess of clothes which had been haphazardly strewn about on my first day. I had no choice but to stick to Levi. 

 The nurse at the desk rose to her feet and gushed, “Hey, Levi!” He nodded cooly. She sashayed to the medicine cupboard and rustled through the bottles. As soon as she fished out the appropriate one, she turned to me and plastered on a sweet smile. “Hey there, pretty eyes, what can I get for you?” 

 I hesitated. “Uh…” 

 “He’s just under my supervision, quit trying to sell him drugs.” With these words, Levi threw his head back abruptly and pressed his mouth into a thin line. He looked utterly disgusted. “Ugh, damn those horse pills,” he spat as he ducked under the faucet and lapped at the water. 

 Pills. Levi was taking pills.

 “What kind of pills?” I found myself asking, long before my brain registered the question as potentially offensive. Levi rose from the sink and opened his mouth to answer, but he was interrupted.

 “OCD induced anxiety,” the nurse stated. Levi froze. 

_Armin was right._

 “Rico,” Levi seethed. “That wasn’t your information to tell.” He stopped himself from saying any more about the matter and stormed away. Before he charged off to set the building on fire, he turned to me. His gunmetal eyes searched my face. For what? For comfort? For a reaction? What was he looking for? 

 He darted out the door.

 I called out a quick “Sorry and Merry Christmas, Nurse Rico!” and trailed behind him. I didn’t think he wanted me to follow him. He wasn’t running, but he was quick. His sharp, clicking footsteps carried him far from me, almost too far for me to catch up to him had I not started jogging over. 

 “Levi! Levi!” My desperate calls filled the abyss of the corridors, which were lit poorly with overhead candlelight. He spun around midway down the hall that connected to the barracks. Our eyes met. Concerned green met annoyed silver.

_God, those grey eyes were beautiful._

 “She was lying. She was kidding you. Don’t believe those Garrison volunteers. She’s got it twisted,” he rambled. 

 “Levi.” I pleaded with him to not lie to me, to which he simply froze. He was defensive, and for good reason. Having such a visceral aversion to germs wasn’t common, and it wasn’t normalized. It was indubitable that he’d been looked down on for his mysophobia. Even if people made it seem like his cleanliness was just a quirk. He had every right to have been so cautious with the information.

 “It’s not something I’m proud of. People tend to lose their shit when they find out, so I didn’t appreciate Rico treating it with such flippancy. What if you freaked out, too?” I nodded. Same went for my anxiety, I supposed. I wasn’t medicated (by choice), so the stigma was higher. 

 “I remember when you helped me out during my panic attack over the summer,” I offered. He looked at me as though he didn’t understand my reason behind mentioning that. “I just hope I can do that for you too, now that I know about it.” He displayed what vaguely reminded me of a smile, but he wiped it off before I could even register the warmth behind the gesture. 

 “Never had I ever seen a kid cry so hard because a class was too hard.” He was mocking me. I registered it as a form of jest, but hesitated to tease back. 

 “Did I walk in on you having a panic attack in the alley?” His eyes glassed over, the previously lighthearted aura darkening. 

 “Yeah, you did. Fucking proud of yourself for that one?”

 “Well, at least that means you’ve got one point on me.” Levi cocked his head, almost in childlike curiosity. I explained my mental point system, though not in full detail. 

_No need to add in the fact that I mentally stated, “point one for Eren” or some dorky shit like that at every time I made progress with him._

 “See, we both walked in on each other having a panic attack in the alley, so that’s one point for each of us. But then you saw another one, that time in the classroom, so you’ve got one point on me.” Levi seemed amused for a second, but wiped the look off of his face instinctively. 

 “Tch. _That’s_  twisted.” He then turned on his heel and headed back to the barracks. He did expect me to follow, right? 

 Right, I’d left my stuff there. It was safe to tail him. 

 His strut, his boots, his silhouette, his quiet hum. I followed all that back to the barrack.

 Just an hour prior, I was blind with lust and had to jack off in his _shower_. This wasn't exactly my proudest moment. Now that I knew of his strength, how much he put up with when I'd insisted on plastering myself to him over the summer, how tough he was expected to look...

It wasn't just lust. I was worshipping him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks always for the support!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two boii  
> Also, I swear I don't hate Erwin. It's just that the phrase "Erwin-level of fuckery" is one that will apply to him all too often in this series, which is fine. Erwin-level fuckery is basically the supreme form of fuckery.  
> On that note, let's begin this madness

The winding turns that led to the barracks brought me back to when Erwin brought me through this very same path during the summer. Except this time, there was no chance in hell I was getting distracted by flags. I was going to keep my focus forward.

 On our way through the garden, I spotted the commander in a genuflect beside a cluster of birdhouses, a bag of seeds by his leg. I stopped in my tracks and wished him a Merry Christmas.

_So much for not getting distracted._

 He snapped his head up and grinned at me. He stabilized the bag of seeds so that it could stand on its own and strutted over to me. 

 “Ah, good company! A Happy non-denominational Holiday to you as well. What brings you over here to the barracks?” he bellowed. I stuttered around an answer until I came up with a pitiful “Levi wanted to talk to me.” The commander was certainly not convinced, but he did a fine job pretending he was. 

 “Could you give him this while you’re there?” As he rummaged through his pocket, I suspected that he was asking me to deliver a gift. However, he pulled out a satchel of purple crystals with a sticker that read, “SOAK.” I restrained myself from asking any stupid questions about it and kept my mouth shut. 

 Erwin turned to resume filling the birdhouses, despite the fact that the majority of the birds had probably fled south for the winter. 

 I caught a glimpse of a sign that pointed to a pool. I decided that I would visit it. 

 If I was going to stay in the base all damn break, I might as well do something other than gush over my commanding officer. 

_Commanding officer._

 Well, outside of the realms of the troops, he was technically a student himself. A tutor. Only in the troops was Levi a person of power. Had that been a normal school setting, he would have simply been a tutor, not a teacher. 

 Did that technicality make me feel better? Marginally. 

 I jogged to catch up with Levi. He’d propped the door of his board open with his foot waiting for me, his thumbs darting across the screen of his phone. 

 I hastily spat out my thanks and immediately began gathering the items I’d left there. I also handed the “SOAK” packet to Levi sometime during the process, nearly burning under his scrutinizing gaze. When I tripped over my own feet and nearly face planted, he decided to finally speak. 

 He elected upon the words: “What the fuck are you doing?”

 “Err, I figured I should probably book it. I gotta take a look at my room. I’ve been sleeping literally everywhere but my own barrack and I’m sure it’s musty as all hell in there.” 

 “Ugh, Jaeger, spare me.” He threw Erwin’s satchel on his desk and sat on the bed anticlimactically. 

 “Erwin is expecting me for a meeting. I need to consult you afterwards. Can you occupy yourself for a minute and meet me back here? Whether or not you stay is up to you.” I relinquished my wallet, phone, and whatever else I’d gutted from my pockets the previous night and nodded. 

 I made my way to my dorm, struggled with remembering the passcode, recalled that it was “1234,” and busted in. It was dark, despite the sun being at its peak brightness, and it was, as predicted, dusty as all hell. Granted, I’d left about a month’s worth of debris and cobwebs collect, but this was downright depressing. I cursed internally, deciding to simply grab a bathing suit and dash. 

 That mess of a room needed a whole weekend set aside to cleaning it. Maybe I could ask Levi to help me.

 I made my way to the pool, absentmindedly following the signs until I came across a chamber with a depression in its floor filled with steaming blue water. It must have been six meters deep in the far end, easily. 

_Were they trying to trap elephants in there?_

 The pool was bare of lifeguards, of people, of any sort of evidence that it was meant for humans at all. I stripped off my clothes without a thought and threw them into a sloppy pile by the towel rack. 

 The events of me jumping into the steaming overgrown bathtub and swimming aren’t worth writing about. I could easily recount the feeling of nostalgia I felt, or the immense stress relief I experienced, but those four hours I spent swimming and letting my body free in the water are better suited left to imagination. It would be simpler to imagine a merman having the time of his life than to bear my own account of it. 

 Nearing the end of the swim session, I decided I wouldn’t go back until I tested my breath. I would always lose breath-holding competitions to Armin and Mikasa. Now that they were missing from the scene, I decided to put it to the test by myself. I waded out to the deeper section and started. I plunged my body underwater, feeling myself sink with each bit of air I let out through my nose. I was sinking all the way to the bottom. 

 I felt fine. I was anxious in the sense that at the very moment I felt lightheaded, I was expected to shoot myself to the surface. That moment never came. I tapped my foot against the floor and even sat down. I tried to inhale to mess with my system and find the urge to jump up. None of that.

_What the hell?_

 I lied flat at the deep end of the pool for ten minutes, easily. I hit my chest, went through the motions of taking breaths, and even tried swallowing. During my exploration, I found a green bolo tie at the bottom of the pool. I found that I was unable to take in liquid water, but I was retaining air somehow. I only shot to the surface out of sheer boredom with the bolo tie in my hand. I took a glance at it and suddenly, my memories went black again. 

_I was on fire. Flames were shooting out of my head through my tear ducts and ears. I was bleeding fire. There was a disfigured, hobbling mass of flesh in front of me and a whole city below my feet. Half its face was seemingly sliced clean off, revealing a horrifying cross section of his visage. The ugly bundle of skin was ready to fight. Its bony fists were cocked and the empty gaze I felt from its hollow eye sockets bore through my skull. At my shoulder stood my father. He was so incredibly tiny. Everything but this monster and I were tiny. My father told me to get out. He was yelling. I struggled in the fight until my vision blurred and I was transferred into a womb-like place. I kicked around a bit until something tore and I was let out of the red, bloody chamber. I fell through the rip in the flesh in which I was encased and began plummeting to the ground. The last thing I saw was Levi about to get eaten by this monster._

 I snapped out of it.

 I was at the lip of the pool, staring at a bolo tie. I hadn’t passed out again. I slapped a towel around myself and made my way back to the barrack. I knocked on Levi’s door frantically.

 “It’s open, Jesus dicking Christ!” shouted Levi. He sounded as though he was speaking through multiple layers of drywall rather than just the door. I tumbled into his room. 

 He was nowhere to be seen. I called out to him. “Levi?"

 “Bathroom. If you plan to join me, wash off first.” I twisted the doorknob without hesitation and burst in. He was in the tub with a soaked white towel covering his eyes. 

 “Fuck! My bad!” I cried as I shut the door with a loud bang. 

 “Stop spazzing. You knew I was in here.”

 “Yeah, I guess I sort of did. Didn’t really think you were _naked_ in there, though.” I stood outside the door, pacing and fidgeting with the bolo tie. 

_Who even wears those things anymore?_

 After just a moment of silence, I heard Levi through the door again. “I have updates. Get in here.” I hesitated, but did as he asked. “Asked" is a gentle term. “Commanded” is more appropriate. I stepped into the washroom with more delicate caution, to which Levi shoved his towel off of his face and into the purple, opaque bathwater. Levi stared at the bolo tie in my hand and extended his open palm to me. I dropped the tie and backed away. He stared at it, then promptly threw it into the sink with enough force to break the green gem within it. Then, he buried his forehead into his palms. 

 “What the hell?” I protested, rushing to check on the sink. The bolo tie was safe, but a corner of his sink was chipped. I ran my thumb across the exposed part of ceramic.

 “I don’t give a shit, I felt like doing it. I hate that eyebrow bastard and his stupid bolo ties.”

 “Lover’s quarrel?” I suggested. He shot me a look that was fit to scare off demons. It sent chills down my spine.

 “You did go for a swim, right?” he asked. I began to state how obvious that was, but he cut me off with a biting “Don’t give me cheek, you could’ve been taking a long walk in the rain, I don’t fucking know. I have to make sure, with you.”

 “Yes,” I answered simply. He was in a feisty mood.

 “Then you must be plenty clean. Jump in. This isn’t meant to be intimate, it’s meant to be part of Pixis’s sick therapy decree. I’m sure we could run two separate baths, but that would mean that we'd each only get half of the soak solution— not to mention how much more water we’d use, and speaking of which, I can use the water we saved by doing this to brew myself some more tea in the mornings, god knows I need it— anyways, I figured it’s best to use the whole soak and share it.” I stared at him. That was the longest and most flustered monologue I’d ever witnessed. Just his nerves alone made me want to join him before things got more awkward. I dropped my towel and clothes, and raised my foot to join him with my bathing suit, but he eyed me in such a way that made me want to ask, “Do you need these off for the updates?” He inhaled sharply and tilted his head back. I figured that was a “maybe” and stripped them off. The water was opaque from the soak, anyway. I folded the soaked piece of clothing by the tub and stepped in, thankful that his eyes were covered with the towel once more. 

 “So, updates,” I offered as a conversation starter. Levi listed them off, not failing to insert his own snarky commentary into the recount.

 “I got the files and tests they ran on you, but the preliminary blood test from the crime scene, if you will, wasn’t enough to say anything about your high temperatures. We’ve got a lot more of you to uncover, and I don’t know what Hanji’s plan is. She’s a little insane when it comes to his stuff, so hang on tight. Speaking of the crime scene—“ 

 At this point, he stopped his spiel to uncover his eyes and turn his attention to me. He glanced at the folded bathing suit for just an instant, and locked eyes with me. 

 “—This next part is going to be my accounts of some Erwin-level fuckery. I’m going to need you to listen without prejudice and come out of this without it as well. I mean, I say that, but if you come out hating this son of a bitch as much as I currently do, though, there’s no shame in it.” 

 I nodded, taking that time to gaze at Levi’s defined clavicles. All that was visible above the water was his face and half of his chest, which was reddening from rage and the steamy bath.

 “Erwin planned Rod Reiss’s attack on you with him. Rod saw the texts we sent each other and ratted to Erwin that I was getting handsy with you or some shit, and he threatened both our careers. Erwin baited you instead of trying to stop Rod from going apeshit on me, figuring that if he went after someone slightly younger and more likable than me, the charges would be filed out of common decency. He was right. He lured you to the meeting that day and promised Rod that you’d be there.” He paused.

 The air was completely still, save for the intermittent drops of water cascading down from the faucet and into our tub.

 Levi took a deep breath and continued reluctantly. “So, Rod jumped. Little did Rod know that Erwin had a backup system— some bullshit Garrison connections he developed with Pixis somehow. They had the military police on standby and eventually, they were able to bear witness to what Rod did. The verdict came out. Erwin seemed like such a happy bastard telling me Rod was finally charged and terminated. And I just sat there like a piece of shit wondering why he would put you in that position. I hate the son of a bitch. You didn’t deserve that.” I twitched my eyebrows, the gears in my head grinding in attempts to process the news. 

 “Did you have any part of it?”

 “What the fuck?” Levi looked offended.

 “Were the texts staged?” My hands began shaking, the preliminary hatred threatening to bubble over, even before he said anything. All of that dissolved when Levi denied it. 

 “Cadet, I could never be a part of this willingly. No. I mean it.” I believed it.

 Levi pressed the towel to his face and tossed it into the water once more, and I curled my knees up to my chest. His tub was on the deep side; it was at a normal depth at the edges, but then it plunged down like an abyss. It was like there was a couple of elevated benches at the edges with a plummet awaiting you if you sank down. I didn’t realize how deep it was until I was forced to see for myself.

 Levi was fidgeting with the towel until I experimentally splashed water in his face, causing him to drop it. He snarled at me playfully. Annoyed, but not pissed. He tried to catch the cloth as it sank, but refused to dive down. He disclosed that he was trying to keep water out of his face.

 He sent me to retrieve it instead. What a gentleman.

 The tub wasn’t nearly as deep as the pool, of course, but I was certainly completely submerged when I dropped down from the ledge. I groped the floor until I hit the towel, and readied myself to shoot up and gracefully slice the water’s surface. Suddenly, I heard Levi call out, “It’s open.” I felt my bathing suit brush my back as it sank. Levi must have thrown it down. I froze, the towel suddenly feeling like a cactus in my hand. I heard a vague creak of the door opening, and only when the bathroom door opened did I realize that Levi’s foot was pressing on my shoulder, signaling me to stay submerged. 

 “Levi, can we talk?” Erwin’s voice pleaded. I curled up at the bottom of the tub, despite the fact that the milky purple bath soak concealed my figure when I was half-squatting. From that position, I could hardly make out specific words in their conversation other than Levi shooting sharp “Fuck no”s at Erwin. I heard heavy footsteps clunking away, and Levi started nudging my side to come up. I refused. No way was I taking that chance.

 I was breathing just fine, anyway.

 Levi’s tapping grew more and more frantic, and I ran a nail across the palm of his foot to stop him. He shot his leg back. I could practically feel the “shitty brat” energy radiating off of him. Erwin came back into the bathroom, or so I’d deduced from the pattern of footsteps. He continued on a tangent, which I raised myself ever so slightly to hear better. 

 Erwin: “You knew it was the only way. You’ll understand someday, and when you do, we can continue working on the expeditions, and maybe include Jaeger in them as well. I heard from Hanji that she’s going to be running experiments on the boy for the new year, so please relay this to him.”

 Levi: “People like you, people who put minors in danger like that, really revolt me. You piece of shit, you used him as a pawn. You knew what the bastard Rod was going to do to him. Also, communication with the brat is not my job.”

 Erwin: “But it is your expertise.” 

_Splash_.

 Levi was pissed.

 Erwin began laughing. “You amuse me when you pull tricks like that.” With that, the footsteps trailed away and the door finally shut.

 I rose to the surface, assisted by Levi pulling me to his bench with a concerned vigor.

 “Holy shit, cadet, are you alright? How the fuck did you hold your breath that long?” Levi demanded. I grinned. He was holding my shoulders, his eyes scanning me desperately. Only when I reached up to touch his hands did I realize I’d come up empty-handed. I broke away from his grasp and dove back down to retrieve my bathing suit and his towel. As I stayed in the water, I somehow totally spaced out.

 My eyes shot up when I felt Levi kick me, and when I glanced up, I learned that the water was certainly _not_  as opaque near the bottom as I’d thought. As soon as the realization struck me, to put it simply, I freaked out.

 I saw my captain’s penis. 

 I thrashed to the surface and threw the sopping towel into Levi’s lap, now that I knew exactly where _that_ was, and struggled to figure out what to do with myself.

 “My eyes burn with the heat of a thousand suns,” stated Levi, rubbing his eyes vigorously. I realized I had likely struck his eyes with flying water droplets and began apologizing.

 “I am so sorry. I’m sorry about the water, I’m sorry for opening my eyes. I didn’t mean to open my eyes, I swear. I just thought the water wouldn’t be so clear and that I wouldn’t be able to see anything.” Levi cocked his head, but got struck with the realization in an instant. Laughter began bubbling over in his face, exploding as he let out the most beautiful, hearty laughter I’d ever heard. 

 “Jaeger, calm down, honestly. You acted like you’d just flunked your midterms. It can’t be that disappointing.” 

 “Huh?” I was more spazzy than before, if anything. Was he fishing for a compliment or was this his way of trying to dissolve tension?

 “Let’s get out of here. You’re cooking in all this heat, I’m sure. I can tell Pixis that this soak solution did absolutely jack shit except make you more of a nervous wreck, if anything.” 

 Levi shielded his dick with his hand as he exited the tub. I also made my way out when I deemed it safe to do so. 

 Oh my god, I saw my captain’s penis.

 I crawled out of the tub and draped myself in at least three towels, trying not to remember the fact that _Oh my god I saw my captain’s penis_  as I asked, “What was the soak solution supposed to do?” 

 “Do you expect me to have the slightest fatherfucking clue? Pixis probably got Hanji to lace it with crystal meth or something.”

 “Ha, I feel the buzz.” Levi wrinkled his nose as he pulled on a tee shirt. I was suddenly very conscious of the fact that I was shirtless at that point, and that Levi had put my shirt in the hamper for cleaning.

_Fair enough— I was definitely nasty._

 “Need to borrow something?” offered Levi. I nodded, and he immediately began throwing a whole drawerful of clothes at me. A mess of different shades of grey tee shirts were being chucked at my face, and when he seemed satisfied at the options he gave me, he crawled into bed. He instructed, “Put that shit back after you’ve finished shopping.” I grabbed the first shirt I could find. 

_“I <3 the hookers of Trost!” _

 Real tasteful, Levi. I pulled it over my head, stuffed the other shirts into his drawer, and jumped in bed.

 He was facing away from me, curled up and practically asking to be spooned. 

_Restraint points to last forever; I kept my paws to myself._

 I instead snapped the light off and faced away from Levi.

_So cold, so cold._

 Levi shifted.

_Cold, cold._

 He scooted closer, and I felt him envelop me completely. I was practically sitting in his hips.

_Hot, hot, hot._

_Face flush._

 Deep breathing at my neck. Chills. 

_I was a furnace_ , I reminded myself.

 No more, no less. Just heat for him.

 Just pure heat.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello y'all, I know it's been a while. ~read to the end for an explanation on that~  
> But without further ado, here's the double digits chapter!!  
> *some elements in this chapter were inspired by Mishkali's "The One With Hanji's Toe-Riffic Day" video*

I didn’t think that the arrangement of sleeping next to Levi for so long was going to last forever. I supposed that he would have grown tired of me eventually, or deemed it strange.  It was the latter case when he finally decided it was better for me to return to my own dorm. 

It would have been my third week of being in Levi’s room— the twenty first night, to be exact. Just as I let out a yawn and made a motion to jump onto his bed, he propped his leg where I was meant to land, inhibiting me from coming near him.

“Kid,” he began, immediately causing me to recoil. “You gotta pack up.”

_Why on earth I didn’t just obey him immediately, I don't know._

“Tired of me already? Who’s gonna be your new furnace?” I challenged, in a tone too playful considering the fact that I was being evicted.

“Stop that. I shouldn’t have invited you to make it a habit, anyway.”

“Sorry,” I whispered. A band-aid to cover up the fact that I’d downplayed his authority. I’d never felt more naked in my life.

“No, Christ, you idiot,” he sighed. 

_It’s over. Jaeger, you fucked up. I hate you and I want you to leave the troops._ That’s what I wanted Levi to say. That would have been refreshing, a fresh cut from which I could recover.

Instead of cursing me out and leaving me to my own elements with a clean severance, he stepped towards me.

He trembled a bit, which made me nervous. He’d never been so unsure of himself. He continued, “This is what the problem is.” He eased me on to the bed and placed one knee on the edge of it, forming the perfect angle to assert dominance but allow me an exit route. In a fluid motion, he traced my cheekbone with his fingertips, dragged them down to my neck, and slid across my collarbones as he made his way down to my waistband. Of course, it didn’t take long for him to realize that his touches set a fire right under where his fingertips had stopped.

He paused momentarily, and retracted his hand to take my wrist and give me the choice to touch him. Before I could, he stepped back and ordered me out.

“You can’t be serious,” I protested. He was winding up, I could tell. He seemed tense, and his movements were erratic. He motioned to my zipper, which was fit to bust open, then to _his_ crotch, which was mostly obscured by his leather hip wrap. I didn’t need to see it to know what was going on.

Still signaling the two areas in oscillation, he insisted, “This is the fucking problem.”

“That’s not a problem to me,” I offered. He threw his head back, exasperated. He began pacing. 

“Of course it’s not, you gotta be, what, seventeen or something? Things like this are bound to be exciting for you.” 

“Er…” I began, quickly stopping myself from revealing that his guess was correct. 

Which didn’t exactly help my case.

He quit shuffling around and retreated to the bathroom. I heard the faucet run. I stood up, with great difficulty, and stared at him from the doorway. He was hunched over the sink. He was breathing heavily and his head was angled down. He jolted upright suddenly.

“What?” he demanded, a tone more defensive than aggressive.

“I didn’t think you’d be able to hear me.”

“Your footsteps sound like a fucking gorilla’s. Just get back over there and let me calm down. My blood isn’t exactly in the right place right now.” He paused, and relocated his gaze to the mirror. He dropped his voice to a raspy grumble. “God almighty, I said that aloud.” The clocktower began chiming in the far distance. The water was still running, and Levi was, honest to god, blushing.

He didn’t pay me any attention when I shuffled over to him and held his torso from behind. 

“I’ll fucking end you if you don’t get off me,” he muttered. Instead of letting go, I held on tighter, my eyes welling up with tears. I felt the urge to let my tears flow onto his white shirt. He would have changed out of it anyway, so I allowed myself to. 

I knew that if Levi was uncomfortable with the prospect of keeping me there with him, I had to leave. I hated sleeping alone, and, my feelings aside, the company put me at ease. Letting go of that was tough. 

“Why are you crying, stop that.” He spun in my locked embrace effortlessly and faced me so that he was engulfed in my desperate hug. It wasn’t affectionate, honestly. It was just the manifestation of my inability to separate myself from this hero. Our shared experience with Rod, and his resilience, made me see him like that— a hero. 

There we were, in the bathroom, with the faucet running. We were hugging, but neither of us knew why. 

The drumming of our heartbeats mixed in with the noise from the faucet. At some point, Levi turned it off and returned to me, this time holding me with a fervor that wasn’t as pronounced before. His clutch on my lower back grew tighter and he buried his face into my shoulder, whereas before, he was simply nestled there. 

“Just for tonight,” Levi said. His voice was muffled by my clothes, so he was forced to pull away and repeat himself. “Just for tonight, I’ll send you off to your room. I have something to take care of and it’s best if you aren’t around for it. Don’t think you’re obligated to come back either, Jaeger.” 

“I respect that. I’m coming right back in the afternoon, when you’re done tutoring.”

“Why?” 

_Huh? What? What do you mean, “why?”_

I explained as though it was the simplest thing in the world, “Because spending time with you like this has been the best thing ever?” 

“Again, brat, why? You’re being elusive.”

I let out a breathy and awkward chuckle. 

“I’m not being elusive, you’re being a weirdo,” I teased. He was sill deep in his inquisition, and didn’t take the humor.

“Why do you keep coming back here? There’s nothing to do, all I do around you is sleep and sometimes bore you with my apprenticeship assignments. That’s what you get off to? And you expect me to believe _I’m_ the weird one?”

_Oh my god, Levi. Phrasing._

“I’m not weird for liking the company.” He rolled his eyes, but still displayed a certain degree of insecurity.

“Alright, shoo.”

I made my way to my own barrack, and once again became overwhelmed by the dusty air. As I went to crack open the window, I realized that there was a small balcony connected to my barrack. It had a concrete base with cloudy glass  walls acting as the partitions between my dorm and the ones beside me. I escaped the air of my room and leaned on the railing of the balcony. I wasn’t so high up as to make me dizzy, but it wasn’t a height I would have jumped. I honed in on the sounds around me, soaking in the soft whirs that accompanied the few passing vehicles. 

Just as I was getting cold, i made out a voice from another balcony, perhaps four or five units to my right. It was unmistakable that it was Levi. 

“Shitty glasses, you can’t just ask a kid to amputate his toe. I don’t know why this conversation is even necessary.” 

_News Flash: Hanji’s a literal confirmed psycho._

I listened in on the conversation actively, now enthused by the ridiculous topic of conversation. 

“Hanji, Hanji, Hanji. Listen. You need sleep. And, apparently, meth intervention. I’m hanging up.” I suppressed a giggle. “No, I won’t fund your meth studies. The fuck do I look like?” I heard Levi utter a string of expletives like a prayer. “Woman, if Erwin said no, what in fresh hell makes you think I’ll approve?"

Silence. Wind blowing, clouds rolling.

Lots more silence, some whispering mixed in, then a coherent string of speech.

“Hanji, fine, hear me out. We can do a supervision deal where he’s with me, and Erwin can have a shifter of his own. I know this must be a gold mine for you, but we really can’t come to the point of taking this kid’s _toe_. You can do controlled experiments, but nothing that’s gonna get us in legal trouble.”

Silence. Tension. What have they got planned?

“Yea, he can stay in my barrack. Son of a bitch, it was your idea, don’t hit me with that.”

Oh my god, he’s arranging for me to stay with him?

“I’m not gonna do that, woman, don’t even try— no, stop talking— I don’t care if it was a joke, you’re being a tool. I’m leaving.” 

Phone hitting a table. Levi growling into the wind. Soft pacing, reverberating through layers of glass and cement. 

I could hardly contain my elation, and I didn’t bother trying.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I decided to put this little fanfic on a hiatus after chapter nine, but I'm back now! The reason I decided to do this was actually because I was in a slump with my writing. I did write some chapter drafts, but I end up hating my work and deciding that I didn't want to publish that crap. So, to give the best version of "Can't Blame Me," I took a step away from it for a minute and waited to post until I produced chapters I was happy with.  
> Still dedicated to developing the story, still dedicated to having fun with it. Thank you guys for the support. Expect more updates soon.  
> -Schindler


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I have an excuse for poor updating? Nothing other than the college process (oof). Also see previous letter for more info because the same phenomenon of me losing touch with my sense of plot / losing faith in my writing has occurred. ಠ_ಠ Anywho, we'll be steering this story towards completion sometime and I'll try not to slam that brake too hard, 'cause there's a lot to cover before we reach that point if you catch my drift.  
> But as always, have a great week and stay tuned!

The clouds that had ominously foreshadowed a storm earlier that evening brought wrath upon the troops the next morning.

Ice that had accumulated on the side of the road: drenched.

Balcony: drenched.

The base: drenched.

Air: Humid beyond belief.

The wait for Levi’s tutoring to end: Smothering.

I felt the break in my schooling affecting me more and more each day. Although the break was induced by Pixis, who deemed it wiser if I restarted the school year and took time off to myself as a recovery method, I wanted nothing more than to be told what to do. I had nothing to do but write senseless rambles and incoherent poems.

_Captain_  
_Oh captain my captain_  
_How did all of this happen_  
_I’ve not known you long, yet I’m attached_  
_During times of trauma_  
_During times of boredom_  
_Onto you I latched_  
_(I can’t rhyme for shit)_

This was the only poem I bothered to keep rather than using it as fuel for a fire.

_I know it was stupid, I realize teenage hormones don’t fare well with writing potential. Jesus._

Finally, three o'clock came. I sprung up from my desk and power walked to the officer barracks. It was just short of a run. I heard a bath running on the other side of Levi’s door.

_Knock knock knock._

I reached for the door before I heard Levi call, “It’s open.” When I swung the door open, he emerged from the bathroom, fully clothed.

“On time,” he noted simply. “Want to hop in? Alone, this time.” I shrugged. He stepped aside to let me in, but suddenly, he attacked me from behind. By that, I mean he plastered himself to my back, his arms wrapped around my torso.

“Long day?” I chuckled.

“Shut up.”

I turned and embraced him, and planted a kiss on the crook of his neck. It was almost qualified as an accident— I didn’t think about it before doing it. Levi froze ever so slightly, and pulled himself off.

“Go ahead,” he offered, pointing to the tub. I began stripping, and he wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Don’t tell me you’re going in there like that.”

“What?”

“For the love of god, you don’t even know how to bathe right,” he sighed. He took multiple trips from the bathroom to the bedroom, adding new things to the water with each trip. Small bath bombs, elixirs, and a capsule that made bubbles erupt from the surface. He set up an array of candles, grabbed a waterproof radio, and a book.

“What do you listen to?” He asked. It didn’t seem that he was really giving me a choice— he was already dialing the channels. When he turned the lights off, the candles provided a gentle orange light. The sound of soft beats and melodies filled the air.

“Can you come in too?” I asked, weak in the legs, but still feeling confident enough.

“You want me to?”

_Is that even a question, goddammit?_

“Yes, please.” He complied. He stretched before unhooking his belts and harnesses, and by the time he was undressed, I was sitting in the tub. Levi coyly stepped in, electing upon sitting on the opposite side from me.

“So, poetry master, what’s been going on?”

“Poetry? What?? What’s that?” I spluttered.

“I read a poem you wrote for your Language and Composition class. Hanji forced me to. Not bad.”

“Oh, haha. Right. Gotta love those anaphoras.” Levi had his head cocked back, his eyes closed. When he heard the term “anaphora,” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“What does that mean?” he asked. I paged through my brain for the answer.  _Anaphora, anaphora, anaphora..._  Agh. Nothing.

“I have no idea.” He smirked and returned to his state of zen.

I spun water tornadoes with my finger as I listened to the music playing softly in the background. I could barely make out the lyrics.

“I wanna be close to you,” I blurted.

_Please, for the love of god, pretend you didn’t hear me._

“How close?” asked the smug-looking devil across from me.

“What, I-“

“Be precise, you can’t just make such a general statement about your preferences on proximity and not clarify what you mean.”

“You know, forget I said anything.” With this, I scooted off the ledge and let myself sink towards the bottom of the tub-pool hybrid. I felt a swordfish glide to me, and quickly realized the fish had arms. Alas, it wasn’t a fish— Levi had dove down to me.

“Merman away from your problems again, I’ll cut you,” he asserted, holding me against him. “Argh, I got hot water on my face. My pores are going to die.”

He returned to the bench and hauled me over with him. I struggled to keep my composure as I was being dragged through the water and stumbled into Levi’s lap as he situated himself on the ledge. His arms were wrapped around me the entire time. There I was, engulfed in my captain’s arms, still fully naked, mind you. Panic ensued. A white hot panic again, one of self doubt and guilt. I attempted to wriggle out as soon as possible to attempt at an apology.

“Shit, shit shit,” I panted. The arms only held me tighter.

“Close enough?”

“Wait.” I contemplated the circumstances for all of two seconds before I blurted, “Are you okay with this?”

No answer. I swiveled around as gracefully as possible and borderline straddled him. I repeated my question.

Still no answer.

A knock at the door, the jiggling of a handle. A key struggling to get into a lock.

_Fuuuuuuuck._

I dove down to the bottom of the tub instinctively as soon as I heard the door open.

“Levi, why’s the door locked?” a voice screeched.

_Hanji_.

“Because you’re not supposed to invite yourself in anyway, you rude cockhead.”

“I can’t find Eren anywhere!”

“Not my problem, get out.”

“But-“ 

“Hanji, get the fuck out. Please,” said Levi through gritted teeth.

The door closed seconds later. I broke the surface, making sure I didn’t accidentally catch a glimpse of Levi’s dick again. I returned to the position of straddling him, eager to pick things up from where we left off. His hands rested at my thighs, anchoring me down with an ever so light touch.

“Levi, if I don’t get off you right now-“ I stopped myself. Hypotheticals weren’t on my mind, at this point. Not when Levi was looking at me with eyes as wide and alluring as a pool of silver. I melted in his lap and inched my face towards him. He jerked his head away.

_That shit burned more than anything on this earth._

I leapt off his side of the tub and recoiled on the opposite end.

“Why-” I muttered, more confused than angry. He had turned away from an attempted kiss, which would have been acceptable had he not climbed naked into the tub with me. Any normal person would have thought it to be a safe move.

_Thanks for leading me on, tutor man. That was sooo much fun. Jerk._

I considered leaving the tub then and there, but I decided to do some lecturing first.

“Levi, let me just bring to your attention that you’re naked right now. So am I. We’re in your tub, and I’ve basically been living here for three weeks, sharing a bed with you. You give me your clothes, there’s basically zero boundaries when it comes to how many times you flirt with me, and I’ve seen your dick for Christ’s sake. If those weren’t signals and you were just fucking with me—or trying to make me wish for it, actually, wait, forget I said that—you seriously need to rethink your life, cuz that sucked.” Levi narrowed his eyes at me and began laughing. I’d never hated him more. He was showing off his pearly teeth, and his head was thrown back.

_Oh boy, you’re really having a swell time laughing it up there, asshole._

His laugh wasn't enough to humiliate me into silence. I was still ready to destroy. “For future reference, by the way: don’t ever do this again, unless you’re comfortable at least kissing the person you bring into your room every night. Good god, Levi.” He cut me off.

“You shitty fucking brat, shut that beautiful mouth up. You freaked out too soon and assumed the worst there, which I guess was expected. My mistake for laughing. I just felt that you had misread my intentions so badly that I didn't know what else to do with myself. Listen, I turned because...” he joined me on my end of the tub and assumed the same position I was in earlier, straddling me. He grabbed my chin and angled it up to him. A smile bubbled over on my face, and I feared that Levi would have found it cheeky. He squeezed the gap between us so tight that it was unbearable, and a dark look fell over his face as he pulled away again. “...we both know I can’t,” he sighed. He had a tornado of emotions in his face once more.

“Why?”

“Eren.” This came out like a reminder to me, and to himself, that this was an inappropriate advance. The days of spooning and flirting were bordering on the edge of that line, but any more physical contact would have sent us both tumbling over. “You know why.”

“Is it the age?” I asked, not sure whether the answer, which was inevitably going to be affirmative, was going to hurt me.

“No.”

“Then what is it?”

“I’ll explain another time. Just trust me for the time being. There’s just,” he paused. He cupped my cheek lightly and pressed his lips on my forehead for just an instant. He continued, “so much shit to sort out first. With Erwin. And the institution. The fatherfucking _institution._ ” I held the arm on my cheek in a shaky clasp, my fingers wrapped around Levi’s wrist.

“Can I help you with any of that sorting out?”

“You just have to be patient, I’m sorry. I really have to be careful. There’s really nothing we can do. Eren, don’t get me wrong. This will be okay as long as we behave for now. I want to be good. Don't pull shit like this when the investigations of your abilities are underway. Not to mention your trauma recovery period. Really want to mess with all that? After all that time people have spent to help you?”

“No, I guess not. I didn't mean to overstep or anything, captain.” He flinched instantaneously at the mention of his official title. He nodded and risked giving me another peck on my head. Distant and safe, yet gentle and reassuring. He continued explaining Hanji's plans as I was gathering and organizing what had just transpired between us.

_In one ear, out the other._

When Levi climbed out of the tub, he kept the bathroom light off.  When he was waiting for me to wrap myself in my towels, he kept the corridor light off. When he slithered into bed, he kept the bedroom light off. The only light on was the candles in the bathroom, which he had allowed to deplete overnight.

We were enveloped in Levi's covers, and I noticed a slight distance Levi had allowed between us. That space was a chasm lined with risk. I was hesitant to attempt to cross it for fear of falling in. According to Levi, we needed to wait for that leap. I was alright with that, as long as that gorge didn't split any wider. 

I couldn't allow that. I couldn't  _risk_ that. Levi was shivering. I hugged him from behind and shed hot tears into his white shirt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you always for the support + for dealing with my shetty schedule


	12. Chapter 12

Three minutes into my day, and something had already gone wrong.

I was poking at the pot of melted butter at the center of the table. I jabbed the ladle against the bottom of the pot, creating a sharp intermittent clacking sound that nearly resembled the sound of a pen clicking rapidly. Needless to say, the prodding grew more and more annoying for the rest of the cadets at my table.

“Okay, literally fuck off, Jaeger,” protested Jean. Mikasa and Armin, who were happy that they had finally caught me on a day when I’d woken up early, were disappointed to find me so distant and spaced-out. I didn’t answer to any of their questions, and if anything, it all seemed quite concerning. 

My silence was nothing related to my trauma nor my titan experiments nor anything else that would need to spark alarm. In fact, it was because of the most trivial, most seemingly benign circumstances possible.

Levi was seated with Krista Lenz.

Reasons why this was totally not okay:

1) On a scale of 1 to 100, this girl was a conservative 112.

2) Levi had not spoken to me once that morning. In fact, he had left before I’d even woken up.

3) Krista didn’t freak Levi out with weird titan abilities.

4)  _Oh my god they’re so touchy, what the hell?_

The fact that Levi was alright with Krista touching his shoulder that often was so unlike him. I extracted the ladle from the pot and graduated to shoveling copious amounts of food into my mouth. 

_Stress eating._

Mikasa glanced at her watch and exclaimed, “Crap, guys, we’ll be late!” She began shuffling out of the mess hall with six plates stacked in her hands, but no one else seemed to want to follow. 

“Eren, are you feeling alright?” asked Armin. 

“I feel great. Why?” I replied.

“You seem on edge. Has your treatment been going okay?” I nodded, chewing through a mouthful of bread while still glaring daggers at the Ackerman/Lenz direction. Armin continued. “I’m glad. Do you think you’ll be able to go out tonight? The scouts are going out to celebrate the end of midterms.”

“Midterms? Wow, this year is going by fast.”

“Why do you act so surprised? You took it right there with us,” said Jean.

_Is he messing with me?_

“I think I’d remember taking the midterms, horse spawn.” I bit into another chunk of bread, thinking that was the end of the conversation. I quickly realized that there was more to this matter when a stunned silence fell over the table. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hanji and Erwin making their way over to Levi. Armin seemed to have noticed too, and the little shit _called the commander over_.

“Armin Arlert! What can I get for you, son?” said the commander. In that moment, his mannerisms reminded me of a waiter’s. 

“Could I talk to you briefly?"

“Of course.” Erwin set his plate down; it was stocked to the edges with potatoes, sausages, and eggs that looked like they were fit to feed gods. Armin nudged my shoulder to start speaking.

“Commander, did I take the midterms this week?” I began.

“Why of course, Eren. You’ll be recognized at the celebration tonight for your achievement on the exams. You performed excellently,” boasted Erwin. In between mouthfuls of food, he added, “Do you not remember taking them?’

_If I remembered taking the midterm, I wouldn’t be asking if I took it, now would I?_

The look on my face must have been a sufficient answer. The commander bellowed an order to Hanji, who zipped over to us immediately. Upon hearing about the circumstances, she deemed it appropriate to bring in Pixis as the ethics representative, who called in Levi as the voice of reason. Soon enough, a majority of the officers were towering over me, and most of my classmates had left. 

_I would have left too if I saw Hanji sprinting after our table. Jesus, I shouldn’t have said anything at all._

Erwin and Pixis ganged up against Levi insisting that I had been present to take the midterms, and Levi was adamant that I had not been attending school, therefore I did not take the midterms. I sided with Levi despite the fact that he wasn’t looking me in the eye. We were making Erwin late to his first period psychology block with this discussion, and this seemed to make him antsier than normal. He shifted around in his seat and checked his watch religiously.

“Gotta take a piss or something, old man?” said Levi. A corner of Erwin’s lip rose up.

“Keep trying that, Levi. See where you end up next semester,” retorted Erwin with a false air of amicability. Levi crinkled his nose and strutted off, presumably to first block.

“Now that Levi’s gone, I have something to confess,” said Hanji. “Eren was there to take the midterms, yes. But, he doesn’t remember it because he wasn’t conscious for it.”

_What’s that I’m smelling in the air? Oh! It reeks of psycho._

“Wait, Ms. Zoe, mind backing up for a second? I was _unconscious_?” I sputtered. 

“Yeah, you were sedated. You were fed the questions via subliminal projection and I read your answers through a reduced form of a brain scan.”

Pixis and Erwin stared at each other with their mouths agape. 

_What in fresh hell is going on right now??_

“This poses no ethical problems!” interjected Hanji. “You guys couldn't get mad even if you wanted to.”

“Absolutely false! You didn’t tell anyone about this until now! You basically carried out underground operations!” said Pixis. I decided it would have been most appropriate if I left the table and allowed the officers to battle this out. I cracked my knuckles as I stepped out of the mess hall. I decided to make my way back to first block psychology. I wasn’t planning on returning back to my schedule, but trailing captain Levi, aka the person who caused me supreme heartache in the last 24 hours, did not seem like such a bad option. Not when compared to what was going on in the mess hall.

I pushed through the doors of the psychology classroom, noting the silence that fell over the class upon seeing me enter so anticlimactically. I felt twenty something eyes on me as I crossed the room to sit in my former seat. 

“Jaeger,” called a voice from the front of the class. I froze in the middle of the room. Levi had exited from the supply room beside the board, and was propped up against the doorframe. “What’re you doing here?”

“Pixis and Hanji were dueling. Didn’t want to get involved.”

“We’ll talk after. Are you going to sit your ass down or do I need to use the fire extinguisher on you?” The class snickered. Levi turned back to the room. “Yeah, you guys like that one, don’t you? You laugh now, but wait until you get those midterms back, Jesus fuck."

I took a seat. Once, Levi spelled “Cognitive” as “Coginive.” One student with a particularly wicked-looking bowl cut was quick to snarkily correct him by saying, “What the hell does _ko-jee-niv_ mean?" to which Levi paid little attention. He did shoot the kid a "Try me, bitch," but otherwise, the class went smoothly. I found it easier to follow Levi’s lesson, which was dynamic and full of sass, than Erwin’s monotone lectures.

_I guess the view of the teacher certainly didn’t hurt my interest_.

As I followed the path of Levi’s penmanship on the board and glanced occasionally (habitually) at Levi’s mouth as he spoke, I found the students filing out of the class. The bell had already rung, and I hadn’t even noticed. Levi erased the art on the board and retreated to his desk to gather his belongings. He took a sip from the tea in his thermos and headed my way. 

_Oh my god he’s coming towards me, act natural. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool._

He sat in a desk in front of mine and faced me. I felt my neck starting to sweat.

“So,” he began. “Congratulations to you on your score and all, but I’m going to have to kill that four-eyed neanderthal. If you liked her, sorry, I guess.”

“Hanji? Wait, how did you know?”

“Erwin texted me. I think it was one night when you were sleeping in your own dorm that she came in to administer her test.” Levi glanced at the clock and sighed. He extended his hand palm-up to me. 

_The hell is that supposed to mean? What does he want?_

I lowered my own hand ever so slowly onto his. Bingo! He clasped my hand and brought it closer to him.

“Are you going to the rest of your classes starting today?” he asked. I shook my head. _Just yours, Levi_. He brought my hand to his face and kissed my fingers. He continued, “We’ll talk more later. I’ll see you at my place.”

_When I say I blushed, I am dead serious. I was an absolute tomato._

A sheepish nod was all I could muster in that moment. As he left, my first thought was, “I wonder if this image would make Krista Lenz jealous.” I hated myself for that. First I was suspicious of Levi and Erwin, now Levi and Krista. _What’s next, Levi and Hanji_? I didn’t even have the right to worry, or even be jealous. 

It wasn’t as though Levi had these feelings for me. I needed to get over it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all. Guys I gotta say, I did not anticipate for CBM to develop this much in its potential. I didn't even expect people to read this thing, so thank you to those who are! Also ooOOh my gosh thank you for leaving comments! The encouragement and feedback really keep me going, so please keep sending them in! I love hearing what you guys think.  
> I appreciate you all for keeping up with this bad boi. Thank you so much, everyone. <3

_“What is the function which corresponds to this second derivative graph?” “What method of therapy would one use on a patient with anxiety?” “What is the molecular structure of this compound?” “Explain apoptosis.” “Which answer choice is the most appropriate thing to say to a family who has lost a patient under your care?” “Show your understanding of six philosophers by applying their ideas to six different pieces of literature.”_

_It burns. It burns. It burns. Ah, my brain’s gonna melt. Am I bleeding?_

_I was huge again. All of me. My hands, my feet, my head. All towering over a town. My town. I saw fire and numbers, and both mixing together. Am I dying? A bald-headed mess manifested on the other side of the town. The same one that hurt Levi. The same one that hurt me. The troops were situated along a gargantuan wall. All cadets sobbing. Levi watching me. Bald mess inching towards me. I sprinted towards it._

_Numbers and formulas crunching and crackling under my feet._

_I leapt at it and snaked around to its neck. Bit down._

_It burns! It burns! It burns!_

_Blood. Blood. Affirmative comments from Section Commander Hanji Zoe. Blood._

_sick feelings associated with seeing Rod Reiss again._

_triumph._

_ox y gen  m as k  co min g   o f   f._

_awake. maybe._

_prob   ably._

That must have been how my midterms went, as that was how my dream went. The previous afternoon, Levi and I were discussing the possibility of harnessing my unconscious intelligence to better the troops. Hanji had proposed the idea, and he seemed unsure.

“That’s what we call ‘exploitation’ where I’m from. Besides, we don’t even know how she managed to pull this stunt. Figuring that out seems like a priority to me, am I crazy? No, shut it, don’t answer that,” he said. I replied that I wanted to be of help through whatever means possible, and if this meant that we could figure out my strange visions, then I would be more than willing to bend to Hanji’s will temporarily. Levi did not hesitate to warn, “You have _no_ idea what that entails. Don’t play with fire like that.”

“Come on, Levi. 105% on a midterm? That’s not only abnormal. That constitutes as a scientific anomaly. Came here for my borderline mental retardation, remember?”

“Disgusting.”

“What?”

“You sound just like shitty glasses.” I chuckled. He had been sitting on the edge of the bed looking pretty goddamn bored, so I decided (decisions at this point in my life were nothing but things that warranted a “What the fuck, Eren?”) that it was a fine idea to tackle Levi onto the mattress.

_Because surely, Eren, that would have been such a convincing argument._

I went in for an innocent hug, which Levi seemed skeptical of already, and attempted to topple him down. I couldn’t do it.

_Wait, no way._

I pushed and pushed, conspicuously so, and Levi just laughed as he resisted with godlike core power.

“Having trouble there?” he teased. 

“Are you human?” He watched as I nearly strained myself. He then snaked an arm around me and tossed me onto the mattress with ease. He seemed so comfortable with hoisting all 140 pounds of pure Eren over his head, and I was sweating just trying to battle one of his muscle groups.

“I hate you,” I panted out. Levi raised one eyebrow and climbed onto the bed. 

“I know.” It came off lightheartedly, but the look on his face was dark. It wasn’t one of hurt, just one of being troubled. I turned towards him.

“Hey, I didn’t mean it,” I offered.

“Do I look stupid? I know that.” He tilted to face me. 

“Levi, I really don’t hate you.” He nodded. “I think you know how I feel about you after everything.” He nodded again. “Like, if I could know everything about you and spend all my time with you, I would honestly die happy.” He stayed still. I continued, “I know phrasing it like 'I have a crush on you' is really cheesy, so I'll just say that I’ll always be here for you, at least as long as you’ll allow. And I don’t think my feelings are going away anytime soon.”

_So much for getting over it._

Levi nodded. 

Thankfully, he started responding with actual words. “There’s a thousand and one things I want to say right now.” He stopped talking to kiss my forehead. This gesture grew to have a paternal feel to it, which was a bit unnerving. “But I don’t feel like I should say any of it.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to say anything, I just felt like reminding you.”

“You felt like reminding me?” He sounded amused. I nodded. He looked down at the pajama pants (they were probably his at one point) that I had been sporting. His smug grin widened. “As though that wasn’t a reminder enough?” I glanced down.

_Why? Just why? There is absolutely no reason for a boner right now. None. Christ, end my life._

In the midst of embarrassment, confusion, and the _I have no idea how to recover from this_ , I went totally silent. I was going to throw excuses at him— insist that it was nothing at all, that it probably wasn’t because his face was so close to mine, that this never happened before— but he simply told me that he would go take a shower and leave me to calm down.

“I have sweat from training literally sitting on my skin right now. Oh shit, we have to be at that weird Trost restaurant later. How am I getting there? Holy Jesus. I can’t even concentrate on my own thoughts, fuck,” he ranted. He retreated to the shower, not without stopping in his tracks to turn around and kiss my head, and left me alone. I took all of ten seconds to recover and returned back to earth.

I reached over the nightstand to check my phone. Seven notifications. 

  _Armin: Are you still coming out to the dinner? / We can pick you up._

_Mikasa: Hey guess what section commander Hanji said to me after biochemistry today / “Grasshoppers. That’s all.” Have any idea what that means?_

_Mom: Hey baby. Hope your day’s going well. / Really great job on the midterms!! / We’re so proud of you <3_

I spent a few minutes replying to all my texts, but in the middle of my reply to Mikasa’s nonsense messages, I heard a faint humming. I honed my focus on the bathroom. Once I reached the hallway next to where Levi was singing softly, I could smell the soaps he was using from outside the door, and I could hear the water cascading down and making contact with his body. 

_Everything about this is so calming. I could just fall asleep here…_

The wordless humming progressed to singing. I could have stayed there forever, listening to Levi’s voice. I tried to make out the words. 

_It was like a (…)_

_(…) nobody wants to die too fast_

_Remember (…)_

_(…) for me_

I could see your face

_(…)_

I didn’t recognize the song at first. I found myself tearing up at his velvety voice and the words he was singing. It was so... _sad_. Suddenly, the song became familiar. I’d heard it sometime, although not when I was awake. 

_It was like a nightmare_

Dante’s inferno.

_It’s painful for me_

Rod Reiss busted.

_Because nobody wants to die too fast_

Levi and Erwin arguing, _battling_.

_Remember the day of grief_

“We don’t know when Eren will wake up.”

_It’s strange for me_

Constant beeping.

_I could see your face_

Crying.

_I could hear your voice_

“Eren’s awake.”

Levi had stopped singing by the time the unconscious senses I’d absorbed in my comatose state replayed. I was crying, as I was overwhelmed with gratitude and guilt. Levi had sung this to me while I was in the coma. The tears were short-lived. Only a few droplets landed in my lap before I collected myself and returned to the bed where he’d left me.

“I lied,” said Levi the moment he exited the washroom. There was a great urgency to tell me this, as evidenced by the only clothing he had on being gym shorts and a towel. 

“What about?”

“When I said I cared about Eyebrows and the institution. And all the other excuses. I’m just…” he stopped himself. He then began biting his lips and looking around the room with his eyebrows pinched. Then, as though a wave of “Fuck it” energy cascaded over him, he knelt on the bed and embraced me. 

_Remember that embarrassing attempt at me toppling Tower Levi? Well, Tower Levi just smashed Tower Eren over without batting an eyelash._

He held me in his arms. His hair was still dripping cold water onto my cheek, but his skin was warm and comforting. He mumbled, “...I’ve been so fucking scared. Of losing you. Of you freaking out. Something.” I didn’t anticipate that he would say anything more, and the sigh that followed this remark fortified that he was done speaking.

“You okay?” I asked. He nodded.

At that moment, it had begun to rain. It was gentle at first. Then it got cloudier and the rain got heavier. It was as though the earth had been holding back its tears until that moment in which its emotions exploded onto the base. Salty, hot tears. 

Salty, hot rain.

Salty, hot skin.

Levi’s face was so close to mine all of a sudden.

My eyes widened with anticipation. Then, my heart pulled any expectations back instinctively.

_Stop setting yourself up for disappointment..._

It was getting dark.

His lips.

Sweet, cool. 

On mine.

It didn’t last long. He pulled away, but not out of regret. He checked my face for something that hinted that I was uncomfortable. He checked my face for uncertainty, for hesitation, for fear. I could see it in the way his eyes darted around ever so slightly. He didn’t find any of those things. The only thing he unearthed when he scrutinized my facial expression was the same feeling that I found outside the window.

A relief. A weight lifted. A “finally.”

“I’m sorry,” Levi muttered when he realized there was a tear streaming down his face. He was afraid, still.

_Salty, hot._

“I won’t leave you. Levi, we’re going to be alright.” He scoffed halfheartedly.

_It’s a start._

“I’m being way too optimistic, fuck. Why am I like this?"

“I’ll give you every reason to stay that way.”

“Shut it,” Levi fired back quickly. Despite this, it was clear that he wanted to hear that. His fear seemed to dilute.

We were still entwined in each other’s arms, just the way I liked it. 

Once Levi reminded me that there was a function which we needed to attend, we reluctantly peeled ourselves off each other. He strode over to his closet, and I stalled time before I had to return to my dorm to pick up formalwear. I wouldn’t have been gone long— a minute or two at most— but I didn’t want to leave Levi’s side. 

Not even for a second.


	14. Chapter 14

Aside from giving myself a damn near concussion from tripping and hitting my head on a fire extinguisher on the wall, my expedition to my dorm went just fine. I was in a rush, needless to say. I scrambled to my feet after my little friendly bonk with the extinguisher and strode back to the officer barracks. I had a few items in my arms: khaki shorts, non-khaki shorts, khaki pants, non-khaki pants, shirts upon shirts, and a myriad of accessories. 

I gave his door the most collected knocks I could muster with so much shit in my arms, and Levi came to the door instead of yelling that “It’s open, shithead.” He had a pen in his hand, which he was cradling oddly close to his chest. He almost seemed protective of it. The tip seemed to be made of felt and it came to a very sharp point. 

“What’s that?” I asked. He narrowed his eyes. I froze. Perhaps the hit to the head earlier made me forget my manners of saying “hello” first.

“Nothing. Are you gonna stand out there forever or are we getting ready for this shit?”

“I think I’ll just stay out here. Maybe Hanji can help dress me.” I earned an amused smirk, but nothing more. Levi pulled me forward and into the room by tugging at the front of my shirt. I dumped my clothes onto the chair on which Levi had been sleeping on my "last day" with the troops. I began attempting to put the pants with their appropriate shirts, and just when I had begun to feel semi-competent with my fashion coordination, Levi pulled my arm and spun me around. 

“What is that?” he asked, his face scrunched into a scowl.

“Are they that bad?” I replied, referring to the outfits. I glanced back at them to see which one was a mismatch. 

“Idiot,” he sighed. He reached his thumb up to my forehead and traced the sore spot. I looked away from him and glanced at the mirror. There was a huge red blotch where I had collided with the red tank right near my hairline.

“I fell. I didn’t want to leave you alone too long, and I rushed,” I explained. Levi narrowed his eyes at me and reached over to a drawer. He pulled out a nude-colored tube and handed it to me. 

“Concealer.” I wrapped my fingers around the small tube without even thinking.

My brain’s gears, as dysfunctional as they often might have been, began to turn and put the pieces together.

_Concealer… Concealer.. what in fresh hell is this… judging from the color, it must be…_

Makeup.

I audibly gasped at the realization that Levi owned makeup. I stood there with my mouth agape, staring at the mirror with the tube in my hand. _Deer in the headlights_. I took a seat on the small barstool across from the mirror and kept staring.

_What the hell do I do with myself?_

“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. Within a few seconds, a wand covered in a strange beige substance was coming towards my forehead. 

Dot. Dot. Dot. Like raindrops. 

_Oh my god Levi is putting makeup on me oh my god this is hilarious but also really sweet holy fuck why does his face need to be so close to mine_

He returned the wand to its tube and used his finger to dab at the concealer he put on my face. Once he was satisfied with his work, he gave me a pat on the shoulder to signal me to get up. We switched positions, and in doing so, I caught a glimpse of the mark. Rather, the lack thereof.

“Wow,” I whispered, rubbing at the covered area.

“Are you out of your mind? Stop touching it,” barked Levi as he applied dabs of the cream onto his own face. _Chin, undereyes, randomly placed spots._

“This interesting to you?” he mused. This was a hint for me to stop staring and mind my own business.

_Of course, I did the exact opposite thing._

“Why are you using concealer?”

“Same reason you just did. Covering shitty things I don’t want people staring at, wondering about, and worst of all _asking_ about, while I’m speaking.”

“But what is there to cover?” Levi pursed his lips as though he thought I was joking, blind, being sarcastic, or all of the above. I pressed on. “Seriously, though.”

“You want me to list all the things I don’t like about my face so you can try to jump in and deny it? Maybe I should hire you as my part time therapist for body image issues?” I frowned. He sighed.

Did he hate the look on my face? The one of having my kindness deflected? I would have hated seeing it too. I hated feeling it on my face, and I hated it more once he pleaded with me to “stop looking at me like I just insulted your ancestors.” I felt a sense of anxiety rising.

_No, no, no. Not now._

He sighed once more. “My pores freak out sometimes, as you may have noticed. I hate that shit. I mean, it doesn't really happen anymore, but I still want to cover whatever scars I might have. You should have seen me at your age. Enough makeup to paint a car, just for the scars.” I didn’t understand. His face was completely smooth. When I first saw him in the psychology classroom, his clear skin was one of the first things I took note of. It was strange that Levi saw anything wrong with his face at all. 

“Do you do this often? Like, every day?”

“Not every day. I stopped doing it that much. It’s apparently not good for your skin. Vicious cycle, huh?” Levi threw the concealer back in its cabinet and began blending the dots around until he looked… pretty much exactly like he did before.

It was strange to find out that someone you find to be so incredibly attractive finds his face problematic enough to use makeup. His face was already perfect enough. But there he was, applying dot after dot generously and blending like there was no tomorrow. As though he found that many faults in himself. As though he hated himself like I had hated myself at that point.

He hated himself for his skin.

I hated myself for what was under my skin. _A kid. Whiny, bratty, nervous._

_Really fucking nervous._

He leaned over to the counter where he had left his pen from before and brought the utensil to his eye. He traced the bottom of his eye, then drew a wonderful little spiked line that extended off his eyelid. He repeated the process on his other eye, and he turned back to me.

My jaw dropped, and I let out a shameless, sharp sigh in awe. He looked hot.

“You seem to like this better than the concealer?” he teased. 

_I just want to kiss you again…_

Levi and I eventually made it out the door. There were no more touches, no more suggestive comments, no more anything to imply that we were more than roommates.

_Roommates who had just shared a kiss and had been developing a confusing_ _concoction of feelings for each other. But roommates nonetheless._

Levi ended up driving us both to the restaurant in his sleek black Mercedes. He frequently honked at the drivers (or, as he put them, crackheads who couldn’t learn how to operate a vehicle to save their lives) around him and yelled at them through closed windows, “Quit loitering around the car crash and haul ass!” The sight of Levi reddening in the face due to traffic while pretending to keep his composure amused me greatly. 

As I rode in the front seat, I spent most of it being quiet and staying out of Levi’s hair. I also spent a good portion of it wondering.

What made Levi so special to me? Why was I special to him? I must have been at least a little special, mustn’t I? _Why am I finding it so difficult to believe that I mean something to him? Am I still trying to keep myself from hoping that he’ll want me like I want him?_

Why, why, why?

His eyes looked sunken in. He must have been tired. Levi hastily made a last-minute exit off the highway, swearing the whole way into the lane.

“You haven’t said a word,” he noted once we were safely on a local road. 

_Because I don’t want to fuck up._

This thought came out as a “Mm-hmm.”

“Care to explain why?”

_Because this is too good right now and I don’t want you to lose what little interest you may have._

This came out as a “Mm.”

“Regret sinking in already?” He tried to make it sound like a joke, but his tone said, _I’m afraid that I made you regret wanting this._

My vocal chords finally decided to start to function. 

“Nothing will make me regret this. I wanted it to happen so much you probably have no idea, and that’s not why I’m quiet.”

“Then why?”

“Just…” I stopped talking.

I couldn’t forklift the words, “I’m really confused about why things changed and why you’re suddenly kissing me” out of my chest no matter how much Levi wanted me to. That was too bratty, even for me. But it was the only explanation I had.

“Can you just talk to me so I can stop assuming that I made you uncomfortable?”

“You didn’t, Levi. Please don't say that. I just want to know what were you scared of all this time.” I blurted out. “You mentioned that. Earlier. But I just don’t get why you waited and told me it was about Erwin and the troops instead.”

“You’re confusing yourself.”

“Maybe 'cuz you’ve been confusing me for a while. Maybe confusion right now is justified.”

“Wait, no, listen.” Levi pulled into the restaurant’s crammed parking lot. Park. Car off. Key out of ignition. Seatbelt unbuckled. “Okay, so obviously we need to talk about this.”

“No, well, I didn’t say we needed to. You’re the one who brought it up,” I pouted. 

_Try calling me a brat again, I dare you._

“But you want to. And fine, _I_ think we need to, so we'll talk about it, okay? But we really should be going in.” 

“Okay,” I surrendered, rendered almost speechless once more at the sight of Levi so dolled up. _I could get used to this._  He took my hand and kissed the knuckles before striding out of the car and into the building. 

Shaky ground... I was on ver y   sh  a ky    gr o  un d.

I had just asked Levi to explain something about himself. The subject of himself had always led to unstable treading.

His trauma, his feelings, his dilemmas, his OCD, his makeup…

Shaky, shaky, shaky, shaky, and shaky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you always for the support, everyone!   
> More Levi details to be revealed soon... amongst other things.... >:)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the heCK is up CBM readers! i hope you all are having a wonderful week + enjoy this chapter! <3 this bad boi has some angst and a questionable ending so sorry in advance...  
> comments and kudos are aLwAyS appreciated

I was seated across from Pixis (big mistake) and beside Hanji (even worse) for the night. Levi was seated across the long table, next to Erwin. 

_Erwin’s so lucky..._

Most of the scouts were running late, including Mikasa, Armin, and Krista. While waiting for more people to file in, Hanji calmly debriefed some of the preliminary test results she gathered and what they meant. Pixis was listening intently, waiting for a chance to jump in to question her ethics. Hanji didn’t allow such an opportunity. 

“I’ve gathered that whenever Eren gets so-called titan visions, it is always catalyzed by something he heard, saw, or felt during his traumatized state.” I listened passively, not bothering to pay too close attention to her. I was preoccupied with watching Erwin. 

He almost looked antsy. Almost. It made me uneasy nonetheless. 

“So, Eren,” Hanji’s voice brought me back to her spiel. “Can you please quickly debrief the conscious triggers? Just for my curiosity’s sake. Well, catalysts, I should call them.”

“Wait,” intercepted Levi from across the table. “Hanji, careful. Not here.” I ignored him, determined to show him that it didn’t bother me.

“I... okay. Um, it was a green bolo tie from the bottom of the pool that I touched and Levi’s singing. That’s it, I think.”

“Levi’s singing, I understand. I heard him doing that while you were comatose. But the bolo tie?” Everyone eyed Erwin nervously, but no one was brave enough to speak up against him. The tension lingered until more people started filing in. 

The rest of the night was just as tense as it was before my friends arrived. Not only did Levi refuse to look at me, but Erwin seemed nonchalant about the whole ordeal, which only made matters worse. 

_Maybe it’s not as it seems. Maybe he wasn’t there when it happened._

Or so I wanted to tell myself. 

What was meant to be a night of celebration turned out to be a night of questioning and uncertainty. Erwin looked into my eyes and grinned innocently. 

I didn’t do anything, Eren. That’s what his eyes said. 

My eyes: Whatever you have to own up to, do it right now, in front of ever- 

 

_I’m gripping a green bolo tie. Rod is inside me and it hurts so bad and I’m holding onto a man and I’m crying and his eyes are so blue and I see a bolo tie and I grab it and it comes apart in my hands and the man is gone and suddenly there are lights everywhere. Green. Green lights. Countless green badges. Three blue. One pink._

I came to. I was still at the dinner table. Nothing abnormal. No one noticed. I shook Hanji's shoulder. 

“Hanji? It happened again. Just now.”

“Oh Eren, baby, are you okay?” I nodded. “What was the catalyst?”

“The commander’s eyes.” Hanji froze. At that point, we were all waiting for the check (which was going to Pixis, inevitably). Erwin was resting his chin on his knuckles and conversing with Levi. Whatever they were talking about, it was boring the shit out of Erwin. 

_Probably me. Probably the catalysts. Probably how furious Levi was._

Levi looked tense. Incredibly so. By the time the others were all too full to function and sleepy beyond belief, the check came. And by the time the check came, Levi and Erwin had disappeared. When I asked Hanji where they'd gone, she seemed to have been holding back tears.

“They’re not gone to do anything, baby,” consoled Hanji. “They’re probably just talking. Levi’s really upset that Erwin was a catalyst, and I know he won’t be happy to hear that it happened twice. I feel bad for bringing that up.”

“I know. I’m just… was he there?” Hanji always knew how to answer. Her replies were quick and rarely calculated. But this time, she was thinking something through. I couldn’t process whether that was unnerving or reassuring.

“I don’t know. He wasn’t supposed to be, but he wasn’t supposed to have been responsible for the setup, either.”

My leg wouldn’t stop shaking. It was a good thing I hadn’t eaten much. Given this level of panic, if I’d eaten any more, everything would have come up and onto the floor. Even though the whole group of mostly happy scouts was filing out, Levi and Erwin were still missing. Hanji, Pixis, and I remained glued to our seats for about five minutes before Hanji ushered me up to my feet and out of the establishment.

Levi was waiting for me in his car. The lot was mostly empty.

Sleek black car. Levi inside, music blaring through the closed windows.

White cube car. Stickers all over. Hanji opening the door, stepping in.

Silver luxury vehicle. Expensive. Erwin ducking in.

Carpool with Mikasa and my friends. I didn’t join.

I entered Levi’s car. The quiet but still intrusive click of the door handle didn’t faze him. He was seething and left the parking lot with his tires screeching across the pavement. I struggled to breathe.

“I’m sorry,” I croaked. I felt an anxiety attack coming. I couldn't help but feel responsible for the tension.

“The _fuck_ do you have to be sorry for? I can’t hear you say that right now, Eren. I can’t. You have _nothing_ to be sorry for. God fucking _damn_ this place and its shitty officials.”

“I-“ I cut myself off. I had no other choice; I could barely keep my breathing together.

“Don’t. Eren, you mean so much to all of us and— please don’t cry, Eren— ah, fuck. Don’t cry. I’m sorry, did I snap? I don’t think before doing shit sometimes.”

“No.” I felt tears on my face, but they had no place there. I felt nothing to trigger tears. 

“Eren, what’s wrong?” All anger towards Erwin dissipated from his voice and was replaced with concern for me.

“Can’t breathe.”

The world dropped out from under me. I was beyond help now. Suddenly, I was trembling and I couldn’t stop and Levi kept asking me questions but I didn’t hear them and the engine went on and on and on and we arrived back at the base. We were alive. We made it back.

Levi came out from the drivers seat and came around to collect the puddle of Eren that was melting out of the passenger seat. As soon as he opened my door, I fell out and into his arms. He showered the crook of my neck and whatever else he could access with dry, chaste kisses.

“You’re okay, let’s get you on your feet, can you do that for me? I’ll fuck Erwin up. Count on it. I promise you, Erwin is gonna be missing his knees when I’m done with him, but please, Eren, you gotta get on your feet,” reasoned Levi. All I could process in the moment was “on your feet” and “I’ll fuck Erwin up.” It was enough for me to pull myself together to walk back to the officers’ barracks. 

I collapsed on the bed the instant Levi turned his back on me. My body was shivering from pure fear and _please let Erwin not have been there, please let Erwin not have watched it happen, please let Erwin not have waited to stop him, please let it have happened for two whole days only because the military police was slow_.

It was too much. Too much hope for someone who deserved so little of it. 

I felt my body exhausting itself into sleep as Levi swiped makeup remover across my forehead to take off the concealer. He then retreated to the bathroom to scald his hands and sanitize the shit out of whatever was exposed to the elements with a bucket of purell.

Except his face. He was more gentle with his face.

He emerged back into the room, and by that time, I was still shaking and hyperventilating, but less so due to the fact that sleep was clouding my eyes. Levi leaned over the bedside table and flicked the lamps off. 

Then, he rustled some papers on his desk and lightly tapped the edges of the pile against his desk to make an orderly collection of forms.

He made a motion towards me. I thought he was going to come into bed with me. Instead, he placed his cravat in my hands, unbuttoned his shirt down to his sternum, and placed a shaky hand in my hair.

“Eren.” His lips were close to my ear. “Kid, stop shaking. You’re supposed to be a furnace. Furnaces don’t shiver.” I offered him a quiet chuckle, but that only spurred more tears to collect in my eyes. I was a bit ashamed of the fact, evident through my burying of my face in his pillow. He paged my hair and made a noncommittal note: “Your hair’s getting long.” I didn’t expect that the next thing Levi would say would be “Can I get a hug, Eren?” I leapt upright without question and sank into his arms. 

I was on my knees on the bed, he was standing. And suddenly, he was laying me down and he stood upright again. 

Kiss to my lips when my eyes were shut.

Kiss to my forehead.

Shuffling footsteps moving away.

“Kid, I’m going to the commander’s room for tonight. For a while, maybe. I don’t know. You probably aren’t hearing me right now.” Quiet sigh. “Feel better, cadet.” 

I heard him. I heard him as he quietly stepped over to the door and turned the doorknob and left for Erwin’s room.

_traitor..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh you guys are all troopers. till next week and thank you for your support<333


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for this thing to get a rating because of some chapters to come oops. But don't be alarmed, this one is just fluff for days  
> Guys. It happened. I prewrote the rest of this story. the REST OF CBM IS LITERALLY DONE I CANT HANDLE THIS  
> Anyways, on with number 16!!

After Levi clicked the door shut behind him and I fell asleep, I had my midterm dream. 

I was alone, and of course, the next day, Hanji declared that it was the extreme anxiety and loneliness that prompted the dream. Following her explanation, she enveloped me in a long and deadly hug. I must have looked distraught. 

“Baby...” she cooed. 

“I’m okay.”

“What made you feel like that last night?”

“I don’t know.” I couldn’t possibly tell her that it might have been the absence of Levi’s warm body clinging to me. But that was probably it. _Fuck_. 

“How’re Levi and Erwin?” I diverted the topic away from myself. 

“They’re still not together.”

“I _know_ ,” I huffed. “Levi left for Erwin’s room last night, and I haven’t seen him since.”

“Shit, that’s not happened in months. Levi's never felt the need to...” she trailed off.

_There she goes again with that thinking face. please not the thinking face..._

"It’s not what you think it is,” Hanji blurted. I snorted at the thought of what she was insinuating. “He’ll tell you. I’ll make sure of it.”

Levi came into the mess hall looking quite dazed not five minutes after Hanji detached herself from me. He looked at the crowd to search for a familiar face but didn't seem to find one. I took the opportunity to wave at him like a chump, but the way his eyes shone with acknowledgement of a my presence made up for it. He ambled over to me and stretched his arms. 

“Hey, babe,” roared Hanji from a few tables away, charging towards us like a provoked bull chases a red toreador flag. 

“It’s too early for your shit,” grumbled Levi as Hanji threw an arm over his shoulders. She earned a series of slaps on the arm and a "Oh god, you haven't showered. Hanji, _gross._ "

“Not too early for me, too, is it?” I teased. He exhaled sharply—a sort of defeated laugh. 

“Levi, you’ve got explaining to do. And I’m not leaving until I hear every word of the truth.”

“Not your information to know, shitty glasses.”

“You did not just exclude me from the talk.” Hanji plastered on a quasi-offended look, adding in a dramatic chest grip and loud gasp along with it.

“I did. Watch me.” Levi then stood in front of me, physically shouldering Hanji out. He looked into my eyes with a self-assured smirk gracing his lips. After what happened last night, I took his smile as a godsend.

“You petty little runt. You still need to eat, you know. In case you've been forgetting again.”

“Hanji, maybe you could bring something to Levi’s barrack? If he wants us to talk alone?” I offered. I looked back down at Levi and asked him, "Would you... want that?" Levi grinned and turned on his heel, expecting me to follow.

“Don’t take any bullshit copouts,” Hanji warned. 

“Wouldn't dream of it.” We exchanged smiles before I turned to join Levi. 

We walked shoulder to shoulder in silence—pregnant silence—and I restrained myself from linking my arm with his, no matter how much I wanted to, until we were out of the public grounds. Once we reached his barrack, though, you couldn’t have pried me off of him even if you tried. 

I knocked him onto the bed and straddled him, in the most non-sexual way possible, if you will, and clung to him with my face buried in his neck. He held a handful of my hair in his fist and pulled me up away from him gently. 

“I have an inclination to think you missed me?” he noted. 

“Obviously,” I whispered, wanting him to let go of my hair so I could go down and return to the cuddling. 

“But no, I don’t think you have.”

“What?” My eyes must have looked like moons. Levi chuckled. 

“You haven’t kissed me yet.” I leaned down, but was caught by Levi’s grip on my hair. 

_Fuck, the pull feels good..._

“You want me to kiss you or not?” I groaned. “'Cuz I really want to.” He chuckled yet again and unhanded my scalp. Before I could catch his lips, he flipped our positions and pulled me into a steamy kiss. 

In the middle of his assault of my lips and tongue, he rocked back upright and detached himself from me. 

“You came here for answers,” he said. The only person he seemed to be reminding was himself.

“Nooooooo,” I drawled. “Leviii. Pleaaase.” He clamped his hand over my mouth as a preliminary warning. 

“If you keep whining like that, you’re gonna regret it forever.” I fought back the urge to swipe my tongue over his hand and smirked into it instead. Was I feeling devilish?

You bet. 

I moaned in the most obscene and uninhibited way under his hand, and he shot back as though I did lick his palm. 

“You absolute piece of shit. I won’t lose anything if you don’t get a fucking explanation,” he said. 

I wasn’t done yet. 

“It’s so hot when you swear.” I said. I climbed onto his lap and pulled gently on a fistful of his hair. He stifled a hiss by biting on his lip, but he finally stopped trying once I shimmied my hips closer to his. 

Yep, everything I did worked. He was hard as a boulder. 

Knock, knock, knock. 

Of course.  _Ooooof course._

Levi sighed and reasoned, “This is good. You get that down—“ pointing at my erection “—and we can talk.”

“And then?” I continued. Levi winked at me, but it was dismissive more than anything else. He opened the door and gratefully accepted the heaps of food Hanji brought up for us. 

“Hi, baby!” she called. 

“Agh, my eardrums,” mumbled Levi. 

“Hi, Hanji. Thank you for the food!” I hollered back. Soon enough, Levi and I were alone again. 

_Maybe I was acting up and climbing all over him because I knew, even back then, that would have been the last time to do so._

While we were eating and debriefing, I got a call from my mother. We hadn’t gotten to the part of the story involving Erwin, so I ignored the call. Levi continued his story. 

“Erwin’s such a fucking nitwit, but a genius at the same goddamn time. I can’t trust the dude with a fucking pencil, but in the end, he’s the one who always knows what’s going on and knows what to do. Always. That fucking fossil. He was there when Reiss was... hurting you. But—hey, stay with me—hear me out. The military police cadets sent him to make sure everything was okay. He was ordered to check on you. You were screaming a lot, just like I did.”

A sad smile touched Levi’s face. He continued, “Yeah, same thing happened with me. Except Erwin was there a lot of the time, even when I stopped screaming. I know the look he must have given you, because I've seen it. The look of waiting for someone in power to do something. The look of wanting to help but not being able to. Erwin wrote a report to the Garrison higher-ups that Rod bit down on a seventeen year old, and by the time they launched a full scale bust, you’d already slipped out of it. Two days. That’s all it took for those Garrison bastards.” I’d long since put my overloaded plate of eggs aside. 

“Why didn’t Erwin write reports for you?”

“He did.” Levi’s face darkened. His eyes clouded over with a sadness I'd never seen in him before. “They all got intercepted somehow through the database. Remember that? Rod Reiss fucking up the outputs a few months ago?”

I did. And I helped fix it. Unfortunately, by that time, Rod stopped pulling Levi in because he knew better. Levi had no recent reports, and no true proof of previous incidents to bring Rod to court. 

Levi interrupted my wallowing with a well-intended kick to my shin. 

“Ow!” We both exclaimed. He continued, “Jesus fuck, kid, you hit right back.”

“What happened? Is it your bad leg?”

“No, you’re just hard as fuck. Like you crystallized your leg or some shit.” We made eye contact the moment the words “you’re hard as fuck” escaped his lips. 

“You gonna take that back or...”

“Nope. It’s probably true anyway, titan boy.”

“Come find out.”

“Fuck you.”

We laughed like two giddy old men and kissed across the table. There was a silence that was dying to be filled. 

“So, I’m a titan.”

“So, you’re a titan.”

“But I’m 5’9”. Might be growing, might not be.”

“Don’t rub it in.” I snorted.

“No, stop. Don't distract me with your shortness. Aren’t titans supposed to be... taller than 5’9”?”

“Let me debrief this really quickly, because I’m dying to get back in bed. I’m tired as fuck after spending a white night berating Erwin. You have superhuman abilities in intelligence and physical tolerances. Hence, your heat and your ability to become a fucking merman. Hanji thinks it was an injection from when you were younger gone wrong, but who fucking knows anymore.” With that, Levi stood from the table and flopped onto the bed, making the springs in his bed chirp. Without hesitation, I joined him. 

When I curled up beside him, he threw his arms around my torso and teased, “You’re just gay as fuck, aren’t you?” I tensed up a bit. 

“No, I wasn’t queer until I met you. I don’t think. I don’t know.”

“That was a joke, Jaeger.”

“Still warranted a legit reply, Ackerman.” Levi snickered. 

“That didn’t feel right to say, did it?”

“Not at all. It feels like I have hair in my mouth now.” I turned away from him and started fake-spitting across the bed, only to be caught into a swift and affectionate embrace. 

“I’m sorry, cadet. I’m a piece of shit for leaving you last night.”

“I fell asleep right after you left. You’re safe.” He hugged me tighter. 

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a defense for my next actions is: nonexistent. 

I rolled Levi onto me like he was a giant plush bear that was a) hot, and b) made of pure muscle. He pushed his upper torso up to look at me, but kept his hips locked with mine. 

“What is it exactly that you trying to do?” he asked. 

“Not sure. Trying to figure that out.”

“Really, no idea what you’re doing by getting me on top of you like this? Stupid.” He adjusted his angle and pushed his hips on mine and brought out the lewd moan from earlier, then backed off. “Your phone keeps buzzing,” Levi groaned. He crossed the room to get my phone, his subtle limp now more noticeable than ever. _Step, fall, step, fall._  Only trained eyes could notice the slight change. He chucked my phone to me and leaned on the table to hide his erection. The sight of Levi blushing and heated like this thrilled me. I almost forgot that my phone was in my hand. 

  _Mom: Call me back when you have the chance. / You're coming back to Shiganshina._

* * *

“There is no chance in hell I’ll be paying for you to get tortured and experimented on,” hollered my mother from the other end of the phone. 

I had left Levi’s barrack the second I saw my mother’s message and retreated to my own. I sat on the edge of my bed tapping my foot, on the phone with her in efforts to convince her to let me stay. 

“They don’t torture me! And I’m doing so well here!” I seethed. “This isn’t fair. All my friends are with the troops.”

“If you leave, Armin and Mikasa will follow. I’ve already discussed it with Armin’s grandfather and Nanami, and they endorse the transfer. It’ll be for the best. I’m honestly appalled at how you’ve been treated. And here I thought after the whole Rod Reiss situation, they’d take better care of you than Shiganshina could. Clearly, I was wrong. Not to mention those crazy officers. Every one of them. I was going to sue them all, but decided to just take you back instead.”

No, no, no, no...

“Mom, stop! I'm not going back!”

"Then I'll just have to sue them. And Eren, you better stop shouting."

"Mom, mom, mom." I took a deep breath—a breath needed if I wanted to lower my volume—and tried again. "They didn't do anything wrong."

“Eren,” she warned. I was so absolutely tired of people using my name as a substitute for an actual argument. 

“No, mom, don’t do this. You don’t get it.” I could hear my mom calling out for my father to “screw Eren’s head on straight,” but he didn’t come to the phone. 

“Eren, I have two options right now given that my son was brutally abused by a former officer and some people just let it happen. Either make a big deal with a court case to fire the rest of those officers, or I pull you out.”

“I can’t just leave.”

“Yes, you can. And you will. You might be a couple of weeks shy of eighteen, but that doesn’t mean you are yet. I looked into another school near Shiganshina High. It’s called the Triad Academy, and you have the entrance exam scheduled for this weekend.”

“Mom, it’s Thursday.”

“Yes, and your flight is tomorrow early in the morning. Don’t you worry. This whole troops mess ends now. Eren, stop grumbling. I’m calling your commander now.” 

_How can I possibly justify the whole situation with Erwin and the military police if she wasn’t even willing to let me get two words in?_

The discussion ended with a hasty but apologetic “Bye, love you.” from my mother. The line went dead.

_I lost._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading <3


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why'd the rating get raised, you ask...  
> I've been wondering, how did you guys find this story? I mean, I've done basically zero advertising due to the fact that I don't have a tumblr.. so how did my tumblr-less ass manage to actually get people clicking on this thing?? very confused but very happy

I dreaded coming to the mess hall when it came time for the classes to end. I had danced around the situation with my mother while Levi and I were texting, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him over the phone. He finally got tired of my vague sulking and sent, " _is everything okay, titan bitch?"_

_Me: i just got some bad news, that’s all_

_Levi: tell me before i get a heart attack._

_Me: maybe in the mess hall later / scratch the maybe_

_Levi: i’ll be there / by the way / we've missed you. i’m glad you’re back_

That last text made me want to disintegrate immediately. I wanted to shred myself into little Erens and scatter them. I wanted to run away.

I waited on a bench with my arms folded on the table, my chin resting on my right forearm. I flinched at every figure that entered the mess hall, only to be disappointed that they were all Garrison students.

“Cadet.” A deep voice. I jerked upright, only to find the commander towering over me. He smelled of aftershave and endorphins. I shuddered, but tried to mask it by squirming in my seat.

“Hi,” I whispered, trying to mask the disappointment in my voice. From the way he sighed and half-leaned on the table, I knew I was unsuccessful. 

“I just got off the phone with your mother,” he stated. “Such terrible news to hear before I could even speak with you after the dinner."

“It’s alright. I know what happened. I’m not angry. I can see why you were there now. It’s strange to think that you saw me like that, in such a compromising position, but I’ll just try not to think about it. Thank you for bringing everything to an end. It’s just not ideal that even after that, my mom wants to press charges.” Erwin chuckled. 

“I wanted to recruit you for my Public Speech course next year, Jaeger. And I understand your mother. We can’t fight it.”

“I would have loved that. If only I could stay. I just... would really rather not have you all sued.” Erwin eased into the bench across from mine and ruffled my hair, eliciting a giggle.

There was no way I could have mentally prepared myself for Levi walking in a few seconds later. I scrambled up to my feet and offered him the troops’ standard fist-over-heart salute. He stopped in his tracks and nodded, murmuring a quick "At ease." He had eyeliner on the lower portion of his eye that tapered downward to give him an innocent but still cutthroat look. His hair looked freshly washed and dried, and he smelled strongly of cucumber melon, Old Spice, and mint.

Nothing was really out of the ordinary, but I couldn’t help but pay even closer attention to how perfect his features blended with one another. How perfectly they meshed and cooperated to create Levi.

He sunk down into a seat across from me and beside Erwin.

“So, what’s this bad news?” Levi asked. Erwin gave me a solemn nod to encourage me to speak. I swallowed a grapefruit-sized lump in my throat and wiped the minuscule beads of sweat off of my brow.

“I’m flying out to Shiganshina tomorrow morning because someone made my mother think the officers are torturing me here. She’s against the experiments, the Reiss ordeal, everything.” Levi went totally silent. "It's either everyone gets sued, or I get pulled out." The air froze over.

Erwin filled the silence by asking, “And the flight time is?” I pulled out my phone to check the online boarding pass.

“7:30 am,” I replied, nearly shattering my phone in throwing it face-down onto the table. Levi flinched at the noise, which prompted me to mumble out a quick apology. I had never startled Levi like that before, so the very act of saying “Sorry” was a foreign feeling.

“Shit, so this is it,” noted Levi. His face was relaxed, but I saw a whirlwind of unease brewing within his eyes.

“Last couple of hours here, I suppose, yeah.” Erwin quickly excused himself when he noticed Pixis entering the room, leaving Levi and I alone.

We didn’t talk too much at first. He offered to get me tea, I graciously accepted. We drank in silence, his booted foot covering mine as a sort of detached affection. It was when I sandwiched his foot between mine that he began speaking.

“I always hate when this shit happens,” mused Levi. It sounded as though he was commenting on something mundane, so painfully banal, like a traffic jam or a creaky floorboard. He didn't stay this cool for very long. “People leaving, I mean. It’s happened a lot of times when comrades of mine got involved with the wrong branch of the government and I never saw them again. Titans aren’t always nice and intelligent like you. Some are dirty and brute. Involvement with the wrong type of titan was how Farlan and Isabel went. God knows where they are now.”

“I’m sorry,” I squeaked.

“I’m not saying this for pity. Those two bastards, Farlan and Isabel… after they disappeared I just couldn’t get attached to anyone, no matter how hard Hanji tried to set me up and get me more involved. But then you came along. Now you’re leaving too, but the worst part is that this is all our fault. As officers.”

“Hey, come on, that’s not fair. You know everything you guys did was for the greater good. Levi, I know you know that.” Levi pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned into his fingers.

“We wasted so much time. _I_ wasted so much time."

“None of this was a waste. Come on, captain, let’s talk at your barrack,” I suggested, noticing a steady stream of cadets filing into the mess hall at that point. The last thing I needed was interception from one of my loudmouthed friends, or even worse, Hanji.

We found our way to Levi’s room within minutes after leaving our quarter-filled teacups in the mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink haphazardly. We didn’t speak for a minute, but it was when I awkwardly half-kneeled on his bed that Levi decided to cut the silence. 

“You remind me a bit of Isabel,” he said as he propped himself on the arm of a chair in his room.

“Yeah?” He mumbled out a quiet “Mm.” and tore his gaze away from me. He continued, as though he was talking to the wind, “You both made me... less grouchy, according to Hanji. And I haven’t had a germ freakout in months.” The corners of his mouth levitated ever so slightly, but then sank back down. "I just really can’t believe you’re leaving.”

Within a few seconds, I found myself gathering my belongings into a quiet pile by the door and helping Levi organize his room. I was casting chargers and pencils toward the pile while simultaneously dusting off bookshelves. It was as though our unspoken objective was to purge the room of any evidence that I had ever been there.

While I was tugging at the edges of the sheet that had come out from under the mattress, I felt Levi graze my ass ever so gently with the side of his hips.

“Sorry,” he said as he Lysol-wiped his nightstand. I chuckled. 

_Yeah, right._

I stood in the middle of the room awkwardly once all four sides and corners of the sheets were tucked in and the bed looked totally fresh. I couldn’t possibly have defiled it by jumping on it.

“Well, cadet,” began Levi. We were half a room’s length away from each other.

“Well, captain.” We inched closer.

“Looks like this is it.” I nodded solemnly.

Levi pulled me to his face by my jacket, his breathing already ragged from our heavy-duty impromptu cleaning session. 

Our kiss was chaste at first, but it escalated just as the ocean floor drops down abruptly right into the Mariana Trench.

_And oh, boy, were we in it deep._

Levi pulled me in like a magnet to his armchair and allowed me to fall into him. He sat back, and I straddled him. His hands were free to roam my body, and he elected upon keeping them at my lower back as our makeout session (again, impromptu) escalated. He groaned when I made a subtle shift in my hips, and I was determined to do whatever I could to hear that sound one more time. I tossed my jacket off and unbuttoned my shirt from the bottom up, only noticing that I had Levi’s cravat on my neck when I got to the latter half of my unbuttoning. I’d tied it on that morning and forgotten about it.

The white fabric felt cool and familiar in my callousing hands.

I snatched it off.

_Perfect opportunity to use this to my advantage._

With the elongated mass of white fabric, I hooked Levi’s neck and tugged slightly towards me.

"Cheeky bitch," he grumbled.

I sank into a hot kiss as I resumed the rest of my unbuttoning. Once the line of flesh going down from my neck to the button on my white jeans was exposed, Levi took the hint to strip. I unbuttoned my pants but kept them at my hips. Levi’s however, I decided then, needed to come off. As he undid the buttons on his shirt, I worked on getting the excessively tight uniform pants off of Levi’s body. He allowed me to attempt at it, but elected on kicking the rest of the stiff fabric off himself. Soon enough, we were both half naked and barely able to keep our mouths off of each other's. I grew painfully hard from all this kissing-but-no-touching. My solution was to plunge my hand down his boxer briefs and take matters (and my captain’s dick) into my own hands. He made a noise of shock, which dissipated into that moan from earlier.

I never felt so... gay.

Heart-wrenchingly, ragingly, extravagantly gay.

There was no denying that, especially not when I’d sunken down to my knees. Naked.

“Eren,” gasped Levi once he felt my breath dangerously close to his member. “You don’t have to do this. You said you’ve never… before me…” 

“Doesn’t that stroke your ego?”

“Not at all.”

_Good, I’ll give you an ego stroke._

I don’t know what made me think this was going to be a comfortable experience. The feeling of having a cock pulsing in your mouth but hardly knowing what to do with yourself wasn’t necessarily the most ideal circumstances. 

But fuck it if I was doing it wrong. Levi was going nuts. His eyebrows were pinched, revealing a small shadow of a line between them. His mouth was open and spilling out beautiful streams of noises, and his fingers curled into my hair. 

I imagined this on my own body, with Levi down there and seeing my dick disappear into his mouth... and I just mimicked that mental image, but only making it halfway down. No _way_ was I going to be so generous as to try to fit _that whole thing_ in. 

_A self-assured glance up, eye contact..._

A silent shiver. 

_Pressure pressure pressure._

An attempted cry for my name that dissipated into a long, vulgar groan. 

_Sucking harder, swirling tongue..._

Arching back, hand in my hair trying so hard not to push me further. 

It took around five minutes to get used to being on the giving end of a blowjob, and another five for me to feel confident in what I was doing. In the middle of it, however, I felt Levi tug my head back and off of him, and I detached from him with a lewd pop. A thin string of saliva connected my bottom lip with the head of his cock. I wanted to lick it off. 

“What, am I no good?” I teased, attempting to tug free of his grip so I could give his gorgeous member a swipe of my tongue to break the saliva web. He only held on tighter. 

“You’re a halfwit if you’re asking that seriously. I'm not proud to say that I was gonna lose it a couple times.” I allowed him to keep his grip on my hair, which was probably greasy from the sweat and Levi’s hands being locked on so long, as I moved to straddle him. He unhanded my hair and slipped a hand into my boxers. 

“Levi, I don’t think that’s gonna be a good idea,” I cautioned, already rocking like a bitch into his half-formed fist. 

“Why not?” he asked, his hand frozen. Uneasiness overcast his eyes. 

“I don’t want things to end so quickly.” The anxiety dissipated. 

“Oh,” he mused. “Interesting.” He removed his hand and hoisted me up with him, my legs wrapped around his torso. 

_The man had some ungodly strength._

I shimmied down and onto my feet in a very childish “let go of meee” sort of fashion.

“Eren, _Eren_ , your dorm. No one has keys,” he insisted when I tried to further our adventures. 

That was the best idea I'd heard all day.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEFORE YOU CONTINUE  
> This isn't an actual chapter, but rather a message to those still left reading this crap

Full disclosure: this "chapt" was supposed to be the farewell sex scene between Levi and Eren that I had prewritten last month, but the scene was so much of a pain in the ass to write/weird to read/hard to enjoy no matter what I did, that I just ended up scrapping it. 

However, that would leave the sex to your imagination, so maybe that's a good thing, because whatever you're imagining is probably umpteen times better than what I had written out. Honestly, if someone would like to give a go at writing a replacement #18 and becoming a co-creator for CBM, hit me up. I'm only half joking. 

I'm really sorry, guys, but I could not find it in me to rewrite the goddamn scene after doing it so many times and over the course of such a long period of time.

Hope you understand the deal with #18... I'm sorry again. My brain just couldn't take this anymore

Let's get on with the ending then :')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Whoever said the soul and the body met in the pineal gland was a fool. It’s the asshole, stupid.”   
> -Andre Aciman


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all. So much.

I had a tremble in my spine when I woke up. It was uncomfortable, yet it was a reminder of him. 

Him. Him lying asleep next to me. Him. Him with silver eyes and silver jewelry. Him. 

He who I chased for the whole year. The very same _he_ who made me come over and over until I almost overheated from the pleasure.

Him.

Him and all of last night. 

I rolled off of the bed, taking note of the sensation of sitting upright. It was so exquisitely different. So exquisitely painful. 

But exquisite nonetheless. 

I didn’t know whether to wake Levi or not. I wanted to see him. And oh, god, did I want a goodbye that wasn’t just sex. But it was 4:30 am, and I knew he was always in need of sleep. 

I rolled the suitcase I’d packed half-assed the previous evening to the door and sat on it, half because my legs were about to give out and half because of the fact that the soreness of sitting was like a drug. I twiddled around on my phone, swished mouthwash around until I got cramps in my face, and waited for 6:00, when my taxi would arrive. 

Faint rustling in the sheets. Levi’s eyes poking out from the blanket, a look of shock crossing them. He thought I’d left. He looked hurt for a moment, but then we locked eyes. Relief. 

“I'm sorry. Did I wake you?” I asked. 

“No, but I wish you had,” he replied with sleep still coating his voice with a raspy timbre. He folded himself upright and only when he stood did it occur to him that he was naked. “Do I have time to shower before you’re off?” He fished out a towel we’d lost in the blankets with which to cover himself. 

“Yeah, about an hour.” Levi strained to give me a smile and stepped into my bathroom. I waited on the bed for him to finish sanitizing himself, nodding off occasionally as the sound of running water lulled me. 

The rest of our morning was quiet. 

The coffee,

the shushed whispers in the mess hall,

the silent wave to Erwin, who was out for a morning jog in the courtyard. 

Levi walked me out of the base with our fingertips brushing each other’s and waited with me by the sidewalk, bouncing on his toes, for Armin and Mikasa to show up. 

“Oi, Eren. I really didn't want to say any of this, but I feel as though I should." He paged  We’re so sorry. And we’ll miss you more than you realize. We all... care about you so much,” Levi muttered, his eyes darting back and forth between me and my friends, who were going through their own goodbyes with other cadets half a block away.

_We._  

“Alright, let’s go, Eren,” called Mikasa. The cab was waiting for us. I held up my index finger, paying her little more than an instantaneous glance along with it. 

“You’re very special to us,” Levi continued. 

_Us._

He saw my eyes beginning to water, but the bastard dealt the final blow that nearly had me sobbing by the time I reached the taxi door. 

“Eren. Look at me.” I raised my gaze from my shoes, fell into his arms one last time, and locked eyes with him while still in his arms. “Fuck, I wish I could kiss you.”

“Do it.” Levi released me from his arms, but rested a hand against my shoulder. I trembled as I whispered, "Please."

“I can’t now.” He flickered his focus to my friends in the distance, cupped my face in his hands, and brought my head down to his height. “Just know that we love you. I don't know what's going to become of you, or this, once you're gone, but whatever happens, I need you coming out of this freakshow establishment knowing that.” He kissed me on the forehead.

_We._

And that was it. I felt the oppressive cold that was left behind when Levi's touch rose from my skin. I wanted to grab him and plant his hands anywhere—on my face, on my arms, _somewhere_ —just so that cold and empty feeling would disappear. It would have been like chasing after a balloon that had been swept away by the wind and already hundreds of miles away. I was off.

* * *

“Why’d the runt send you off and not the others?” inquired Mikasa. She had both her earbuds in, so she couldn’t have heard me even if I felt like answering. 

Which I didn’t. 

“He’s just nice like that. Give the captain some more credit. Besides, it's still pretty early. Not many people are out,” answered Armin. As expected, no response from Mikasa.

“Are you crying, Eren?” sputtered Armin. I didn’t answer for fear that I would choke on my words. We were rounding a corner and the base was no longer in the rear view mirror. 

_It was over._

“Eren,” Mikasa hissed. “Stop gawking at the mirror and help us figure out our route, why don’t you?” I nodded sheepishly and entranced myself in the map the two were prodding at. 

It was a long, long ride to the airport, and an even longer wait to get on the plane.

The sun was beginning to shine down on us through the gaps in the clouds by the time the boarding started, reaching its heavenly rays down to give my forehead a kiss. The sensation, never mind the attached significance to it, made the pins and needles behind my eyes to start pricking me once more. I sniffed too loudly for it to be considered natural, earning a half-hearted pat on the shoulder from Armin and a string of quasi-protective questions from Mikasa. I was already getting sick of them, not because they were doing anything wrong, but because I would have much rather have been elsewhere.

With Levi. Away from this goddamn airport that made it feel like I was inhaling razorblades.

I wondered; on the plane, in my new classes, in bed... I wondered what it would have been like if the first night with Levi didn’t have to be the last.

Sometimes those sorts of thoughts made me smile, sometimes they made me bawl; there was no telling.

By the time the summer came, I had been sucked into a bratty clique in the Triad Academy that made me want to roll my eyes back into my head every single day, but that was what I had to get used to. My mother hired a therapist for me, and the shrink never failed to push me with his questions until the memories of Rod gave me anxiety attacks every night. But, of course, that was what I had to deal with. A "necessary part of the recovery process," he called it. 

My mother disconnected my phone without warning as soon as I had landed in the Shiganshina airport, giving me no time to take down important phone numbers.

I kept coming back to the memories of Levi despite the fact that we had not spoken since my departure day. Not a single word, since my sole form of communication with him was stripped from me. The ending of his chapter in my life was never written.

It was ripped out, interrupted by the shaky hand of a cruel storyteller. 

I would keep my phone—my dead phone—in my pocket at all times, waiting for a vibration that would never come. I slept with it in my hands on the days I needed him the most.

If I kept a dead thing with me to find some twinge of hope in it, one could only imagine how strongly my heart would have beaten to keep the pulse of a living, breathing person alive in my mind. My heart beat more to keep him alive than it did me.

Our past wasn't something I could allow myself to bury under sad songs or "introductions" with Triad Academy students Armin would try to push me into. It wasn't that I considered myself above such things. I was hopelessly bound to the memory of the tutor who never lost faith in me and let me into his guarded life. His beautiful, meticulous, _exquisitely_ fucked up life.

Well, can you blame me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a wrap. :'') if you were expecting a good ending... my bad  
> I didn't prewrite CBM before I started posting.. lesson learned. This has been a hell of a wild ride, though! I'll keep at this fanfic gig as long as it's enjoyable, so do expect some more (better) shit from me, but for now, thank you for reading!


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